It was a somewhat sad state of affairs down on some golf course in Melbourne today, as Sam Newman shanked the fuck out of his first shot this morning.

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“Fuck,” he shouted after sending the little Callaway deep into the trees.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck,” he shouted at the world in particular, following the theme of his life – indiscretion anger at the world for whatever he feels fired up about on a particular day.

After a month or so of sooking like some ‘climate protestor brat’ on what is apparently the biggest issue in his life (not being able to play his precious golf) Newman finally got his wish.

Golf courses in Victoria have opened this morning, in line with the loosening of coronavirus restrictions as of 12:00 pm last night.

This comes after the man who has spent years attacking the ‘snowflake generation’ staged a one-man protest and stormed around the streets of Melbourne in his golf gear throwing a big old tantrum about what many would probably class as a very first world issue.

Despite telling everyone to harden up and displaying a clearly false stoic person, Newman said he’s just so relieved to have golf back.

“It’s great that people listened to a minority on something that is important to them,” explained the vocal member of the niche golfing community, who probably cheats when he is losing.

“Real shame about that first shot,” he said through gritted teeth, furiously unable to blame anyone else for his anger on this occasion.

“Ah well, at least we are back.”


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