BREAKING NEWS

With Cardinal Pell on the verge of a lifetime of excommunication from The Catholic Church, Pope Francis has today ordered all of his subordinates to prevent him from getting his hands on another Bible.

Pope Francis says there are fears within the church that if the convicted pedophile were to have access to the holy book, he may be given license to continue justifying abhorrent and predatory behaviour.

However, Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has vowed to not let a court’s ruling get in the way of his service to Australia’s highest-ranked Catholic figure – and has once again spoken with the Cardinal today.

“I don’t like to go against the Pope like this, George” said Abbott.

“But the PC police have obviously taken a position, and I must take the opposite. It’s how my CTE-riddled brain works”

“Besides, the Pope and I have clashed before on our treatment of homosexuals…”

“Speaking of… I have a present. But this glass is going to make it hard for me to give it to you”

Following an afternoon of trial and error, the Member For Warringah seems to have found a way to smuggle a Bible in the Melbourne correctional facility where Pell is currently being held on remand.

“Ahh fuck. This was truly a painful ordeal. How about I just read it to you and you take down notes”

“Hold on a second, I’ll just get it. This could be tricky”

“Don’t look haha”

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