LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Locked down Australians are getting ready to say a big hello to freedom as $90 billion worth of nuclear powered submarines are coming to our nation girt by sea.
During a teleconference that many mistook for the worst episode of Gogglebox yet, US President Joe Biden, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson and our very own Scotty from Marketing announced they had formed a new security partnership called AUKUS with the first item of business to set Australia up with $90 billion worth of nuclear powered submarine freedom.
Despite the fact the three nations recorded a total of 317,060 new cases between them on Monday alone, the three world leaders really put their heads together and decided what their constituents really needed was to splash out big on some top-secret subs.
“I’m actually really excited for them!” said one local weirdo who, thankfully, does not live near any schools.
“Oh no, you’re not one of those anti-nuclear guys are you? Seriously? In 2021? I blame Chernobyl. The show.”
According to Scotty, this historic new alliance is great news for freedom loving Australians as we partner closer with the most hated nation on Earth and a country led by a man who literally cannot count the amount of illegitimate children he has.
When asked if the USA were a good military ally based on very recent events, Scotty was quick to remind our reporting team that we should be out of lockdown in time for Christmas.
“It’s all about perspective,” stated Scotty, as he thumbed through a sample book of the best submarine photo-ops.
“Christmas is coming and Santa is riding in on a nuclear sub pulled by water-breathing reindeer and in his big red sack is a present for you; family.”