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Mercifully, his boss agreed to keep his tools in his ute for him in the interim.

Otherwise, Will Runyon’s life would be at the bottom of the bin – deeper than Oscar the Grouch’s gooch, he says.

Speaking candidly to The Advocate about his dramatic drink-driving arrest last Friday, the 26-year-old said he used to hate cyclists but now he’s charmingly impartial.

He used to dream about boinking them with the end of his bullbar into oncoming traffic.

How they ride down the middle of the road, how they think they own the road.

Fuck them, he thought.

“They don’t even pay rego. If one of them breaks the law or worse, gets away with it, there’s no way of telling who they are. Police could always chase them down or run their DNA after they drag their lifeless bone bags out from under a Pajero or something but that, to borrow a word from the left-wing media, would be quite problematic,” he said.

The Betoota Heights man conceded that there would be local cyclists who read these words – then feel compelled to email The Advocate about how insensitive they are toward cyclists.

“Mate, I’m a cyclist now and I hate other cyclists. I used to be a motorist and I hated other motorists. Honestly, it’s very embarrassing having to ride a bike to work. The boys put shit on me at smoko and stuff,” he said.

“However, my bunji, the opinion I have of cycling, on the whole, has changed wuite dramatically.”

Pausing to compose himself, the droll Virgo said that while he used to see cycling as something that was a mere nuisance to motorists – and a great benefit to organ banks around the nation – but he now sees it as a tangible alternative to driving.

“If I had a job in town where I didn’t throw shit in skips all day, I might actually do it. But I’ve got tools and whatnot. Things to carry that you can’t on a bike. So I need my Navara.”

When asked if his change of heart had anything to do with his recent drink-driving charge, Runyon left out a soft ‘yeah’.

More to come.


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