ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Leader of the Opposition told reporters this morning in Melbourne that he sat with his mouth agape as he watched Four Corners last night.

From the comfort of his Matt Blatt sofa within the confines of his palatial Mooney Ponds compound, Bill Shorten looked on as two of the nation’s most overpaid and underworked public servants used our public broadcaster as a vehicle to sling mud at each other.

“It angered me,” said Shorten.

“We need to turn the ABC off at the wall, leave it for five minutes, then turn it back on again. We have to do it because it’s actually like ten out of ten fucked at the moment,”

“Just clear the place out. There’s so much Boomer rot in that place it makes my head spin. People who’d be largely unemployable anywhere other than Auntie. Should I win government next year, I will reset that ivory tower like a frozen laptop. OK, all right. That’s me done for the morning. Res ipsa loquitur, you fucking cunts.”

Shorten then double checked to see if he’d taped his nipples before setting off from the press conference in a light jog.

The Advocate reached out to the ABC for comment but they don’t get into the office before 11.

More to come.


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