ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has had to both thank but distance himself from outgoing Liberal MP Brad Hazzard, who today offered to martyr himself in the foyer of ClubsNSW headquarters in Sydney for the greater good of the state.

In some sort of twisted homage to the elderly citizens of Japan offering to clean up radioactive waste after the 2011 Fukushima Nuclear Disaster, Hazzard explained he want to use what remaining time he has in politics wisely.

“I don’t have a lot of days left to enact the change we need in New South Wales,” Hazzard told The Advocate.

“Which is why I offered to martyr myself. Dom [Perrottet] said that was extremely unnecessary and that it’d leave the party room even more divided. Plus he could never support that kind of political violence. He wasn’t around in the 80s. Back when we could get stuff done, no questions asked. Anyway, he said no,”

“So I guess I’m doomed to an eternity of catching and keeping undersize Pittwater flatheads. I once accidentally reversed into a Mercedes Benz at the Warriewood Shops. Someone saw me, so I left a note. Inside the note, it just said, ‘Lick my nuts, Hans’. I still chuckle to myself picturing the look on that guy’s face. Retirement might not be too bad.”

Earlier today, ClubsNSW itself went nuclear on the state’s premier.

“He is lead by his Catholic gut,” said the organisation’s boss Josh Landis.

However, Mr Landis has since apologised for the remark and offered an explanation.

“What I meant by that was say Mr Perrottet is lactose intolerant and poker machines is a pint of milk. Perhaps even a pint of Yakult. Anyway, obviously they don’t mix but I admit it was a poor metaphor. I apologised and now we can move on.”

The Advocate reached out to the NSW Office of the Premier and Cabinet but has yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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