ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is one again in the poor house, according to the man himself as he explained to The Advocate that he’s back to his old tricks.

As Mr Joyce is now the de facto leader of a fringe political party, his pay has been cut by 60% of what it was just last week.

The last time that the Member for New England was in this position was after he resigned in 2018 after the media got wind of a rather large personal crisis he was having at the time.

Barnaby took time out of his busy day of driving about the countryside to speak to our reporter via telephone.

“I’m back trapping pigeons, mate,” he said.

“You know, it’s ironic because we used to call Mark Coulton ‘a pigeon-eating cunt’ because he was from Warialda, where there’s some good country but there’s a lot of shit country, too. Mark has some good country but also a lot of shit timber, so when times got tough, we used to say he was out trapping pigeons to feed the family, which is a sign of sincere poverty,”

“But then it happened to me. I became the pigeon-eating cunt in the Nationals. You know why Darren Chester hates my guts, like actually? Back when my life went cunt up in 2018 and I became poor for a while, I started trapping pigeons on the roof of Parliament. I’d put them into an old superphosphate bag and either gas them with the exhaust pipe of my car or hit the bag of pigeons against a boree tree until they stopped flapping,”

“So Darren caught me zip-tieing the end of a pigeon bag to the exhaust pipe of David Littleproud’s Mazda CX-5. He thought it was grim as hell. Anyway, I’m back to catching the sky lobsters because I’m getting paid fuck all now and there’s a lot of people depending on me to make paper.”

When asked what his favourite recipe was, the dejected Joyce brightened back up.

“They’re good in a smoker. Find a young pigeon and pluck the thing into a bin or just go down the paddock. Do about a dozen at a time and just put the others in the freezer. Cut the bum out and the neck then blow the entrails out with one sharp blow through the neck hole. I call over the dog and blow the insides out for it to eat,” he said.

“Then put a small orange and half a head of garlic inside and tie it up. Rub it in salt and chuck him in the smoker for a few hours. Serve with some potatoes and you’re away.”

More to come.


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