ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The defacto leader of the failed state of New South Wales has moved to assure people that despite nearly registering a hundred thousand cases of the hyper-infectious spicy cough in the past 24 hours, everything is fine.

Premier Dominic Perrottet explained to journalists this morning in our nation’s super expensive version of Mogadishu that this was to be expected and there’s nothing to be worried about.

“Oh yeah,” he said.

“We’re doing OK. Yeah, sure. Hospitals are overflowing with patients with this bug going around. Yeah, doctors are complaining about it. Sounds like a bunch of really well-paid men and women complaining about having to do their job if you ask me. You don’t hear lifeguards complaining about saving tourists that dive directly into a riptide, do you?”

“I think the media, too, has to shoulder some of the responsibility for scaring the poutine out of people. Just take a step back and see the big picture. It’s not like it’s your Granny up there in hospital coughing her lungs out, it’s someone else’s. That’s personal responsibility. Don’t let other people tell you what to do, besides me and my government, of course! [laughs] But seriously, everything is fine so go out and enjoy what’s left of the summer!”

Perrottet then refused to answer any questions and left the room as he smiled violently and waved.

More to come.


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