Woe to you oh earth and sea, Albo sends his wowsers with wrath for he knows the markets have tempting odds.

It appears ‘Gamble Responsibly’ isn’t clear enough messaging and now adverts must contain a dying smoker’s worth of dread without a shred of regard about the upkeep costs of a horse that has never even placed once.

According to ‘Albo’ and ‘experts’ new messaging needs to warn patriotic punters they have about as much chance of winning as they do turning a profit on that Valiant in the shed or their ex coming back because she could smell the homebrew a’brewing and it just made her forget why she was mad in the first place.

It’s bad enough that we are living through the 2021st consecutive war on Christmas, but now the law is coming for poor old innocent gambling, as if it’s ever hurt anyone.

‘But Harvey, but Harvey!’ you cry through mouthfuls of vegan breast milk porridge, ‘gambling is bad for “Australia” because it costs people money!’

Yeah well, my eldest son costs me money every time he gets a bloody neck tattoo lasered off and reapplied again but you don’t see me trying to tear him out of the very fabric of our nation! And believe me, I wish I could!

Let’s make one thing permanently clear; gambling built this country. 

This country wasn’t built by trigger warnings and safe spaces, it was built by can-do battlers and extremely exploitative methods of labour.

If we decide to send gambling the way of the Tassie Tiger and whatever birds are currently “living” on the Adani site then what other toxic elements of our culture are we going to get rid of next?

Will our frothy love for alcohol come under fire just because it is everywhere and killed 1,559 people last year? Coronary heart disease killed more, should we make it illegal to have a heart? Dementia was more deadly than alcohol, should we just outlaw being old full stop? 

Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you, you baby-headed little lefty who is hate-reading this because it’s not behind a paywall? Just like you’d probably like to get rid of the sexism, racism, homophobia and whatever other thing you’ve made up next that runs rampant in Australia’s government and institutions. 

Well as long as my heart beats, which I will be able to confirm once someone shows me how to use the bloody ‘app’, then there will always be a place for punting, drinking and good old fashioned boomer humour at my table. Those wanting a gambling free table with a vegan menu can apply at the kid’s table.

Harvey Thomas is contributing writer to the Betoota Advocate and host of the Betoota Boomer News and Opinions Hour. Aside from penning nearly 10,000 articles which include over three facts, Thomas previously auditioned for Australian Celebrity Survivor but was rejected when he failed the medical and refused to speak on camera. He would like to make it clear he was never a QLD policeman in the ‘70s and anyone who disagrees is a liar so stop asking. 


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