ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A young man from our town’s French Quarter has been offended by a RAT test this morning after it gave him a piece of its mind.

Martin Pooley (32) said he popped into his local hardware shop to pick up some removable hooks for his rented studio apartment when he felt a mild illness coming on.

Conveniently, the self-described self-destructive Gemini found RAT tests for sale on the counter.

He bought three, just in case, then complained about how expensive everything is getting.

After putting up his new hooks and hanging his own artwork on the walls, Martin put the jug on and prepared to test himself.

He told this masthead a short time ago that he wasn’t prepared for what the results said.

“It told me that it was just a cold and that I should stop being an attention-seeking c-word,” said Martin.

“Lucky, I bought more than one so I tested myself again and got the same result. Nobody has spoken to me like that since Dad caught me trying to go to school in rollerskates when I was 12.”

Martin phoned the hardware shop where he’d purchased the spicy cough testing kits and it was confirmed to him that the tests he bought were for blokes who actually work for a living and don’t just pour themselves into a chair and tap away on a keyboard all day.

“The man at the hardware shop said I should’ve gone to the chemist to get the softcock version that gets you a week off work,” said Martin.

“That’s actually quite offensive because it’s not just a cold, it is still putting people in hospital and it’s still killing people,”

“Then the hardware man said tradies and subbies can’t afford to spend a week playing with their dicks at home with ‘the couff’ when they’ve got other hardworking Australians to build homes for. People who’ve had a go and have got in the property market. Real blokes, real sheilas. Not pathetic little inner-city wank stains who complain about apartment prices in the French Quarter,”

“He then told me to get fucked and hung up the phone. Charming. I guess I’m off to my local independent compunding pharmacy to spend a quarter of a week’s rent on four RAT tests that’ll tell me to stay under the doona with a mask on.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here