ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Opposition leader Peter Dutton is on the charm offensive this morning as he looks to rebrand himself as a Sydney renaissance man in an effort to win back the blue-chip Sydney electorates that the party desperately needs to go blue at the next Federal Election.

The big Queenslander was seen sporting a stylish red bandana during his morning media blitz today, where he told viewers of major television networks that he wasn’t as bad as the dirty lefties think he is.

“I enjoy reading books,” Dutton said to Ralph Quinn & Jojo on Nine Imparja’s Wake Up Betoota this morning.

Ralph Quinn is a multi-award-winning journalist with an international career that spans two decades. Jojo is a 46-year-old male Bornean Orangutan that comunicates via AUSLAN.

“Yesterday evening, I tried blue cheese for the first time. It tastes like a bloke of Cheer soaked in avgas but the taste grew on me. I’ve made some changes since taking on the leadership. I have put down the small $350 deposit on a blue Tesla 3 and I’m getting solar panels put on my roof and, uh, I’m going to stop wearing a tie outside of work because from what I’ve been told, normal people take their tie off as soon as they can, besides the dapper gent subculture of lefties, which is also one I’m trying to tap into,”

“But I draw the line at getting a cat! [laughs] I know you aren’t very keen on cats, Jojo!”

Mr Dutton was referencing a 2016 incident where Jojo was handed a cat during a segment on pet health and he opted to crush it to death with his bare hands live on TV, which resulted in an internal investigation that didn’t result in anything meaningful.

Jojo indicated to Peter with his hands that he did not like cats.

“I’m excited that people get to see a new side of me. I’ve had some very polarising portfolios in the past and both Malcolm and Scott needed someone strong enough to do the job and attract the criticism from the filthy, unwashed yuppie dogs, uh, sorry, I’m still getting used to this. Attract criticism from the well-educated, cultured Australians that infest our inner-city suburbs like fleas on a wild dog, uh, I mean that choose to destroy the fabric of migrant communities that once lived with inherited wealth, wait. Oh, well, you get the idea,”

“And it all starts today, with the bandana. Our party spin doctors say this is my passport to crushing the teal grip on our seaside suburbs.”

The Advocate reached out to the Liberal Party for comment but was told a response would not be given.

More to come.


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