ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
As Tropical Cyclone Alfred moves toward the Queensland coast, officials have warned residents to prepare for damaging winds, heavy rain and possible flooding.
In Deception Bay, a suburb north of Brisbane often referred to by locals as “Delinquent Bay,” 32-year-old public servant Brett Thompson says he is confident he has what he needs to ride out the storm.
Thompson, who lives on the third floor of an apartment complex, told concerned friends and family he is “cyclone ready.” His supplies include a freezer stocked with 12 boxes party pies, a Sara Lee dessert, two packets of bootleg Marlboro Golds, six cubes of XXXX Gold and three ounces of hydroponic cannabis.
“I’ve got the essentials,” Thompson said.
“If the power goes out, the party pies will defrost. I can always eat them adhoc. They’re that way by design. The Sara Lee is for morale. I can drink hot piss, I was FIFO for three years. And I’ve got enough to keep me entertained for as long as I need,”
“But I didn’t get any goona wrap. The boomers at the supermarket made sure of that. No worries, I’ll just poo in a zip lock bag and chuck it in the storm surge from the comfort of my double balcony. Hose bidet, no worries.”
Authorities have urged residents to secure their homes, gather nonperishable food and monitor emergency alerts. Officials have positioned response crews across northern Brisbane, where the storm is expected to make landfall within hours.
Despite warnings, Thompson is unconcerned about the impact on his apartment.
“I’m on the third floor. The floodwaters won’t reach me,” he said.
“And if the roof comes off, I’ll deal with it when it happens. Either way, they’re going to bend us over at strata next quarter. We’re going to have to have our strata manager shot and chucked in the foundations of the new Gabba.”
His downstairs neighbour, Margaret Jenkins, has taken a different approach, placing sandbags around her unit and stocking water and batteries.
“I asked if he had supplies, and he said he was sorted,” Jenkins said.
“He then offered me a smoke and we enjoyed it in a common area. We both know it’ll go under so it was nice to enjoy it while it’s not sodden and mouldy like it will be next we
Queensland emergency services continue to advise residents to take the storm seriously, with evacuation orders possible in low-lying areas.
More to come.
