ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The nation’s favourite intrepid cricket fan is back!
That’s the message from Foxtel today after they launched their dedicated cricket channel in Sydney last night. Along with Worland, Foxtel has thrown huge amounts of money at the wall in the hopes that something will stick.
An Aussie Does Molly, Worland says, will showcase the real Australian summer – not just the cricket – but a multifaceted look at how we as a nation like to spend summer.
Hugh Jackman’s friend spoke to The Advocate this morning via telephone to discuss his upcoming programme and what viewers can look forward to.
“So basically this Foxtel producer took me and my agent out to lunch about three months ago to chat about what we could offer,” said Worland.
“Then, in like plain view of like four other diners, he takes a ten pack of MDMA caps out of his inside jacket pocket and threw them on the remains of my spatchcock! He said, ‘An Aussie Does Molly. That’s what I want. I want a show where you have to ingest like 6-700mg of molly each day of each Test match,'”
“I’ve never done drugs before so I asked my friend Hugh Jackman about it. I left him a message and he hasn’t gotten back to me yet. Anyway, I took the job regardless. Making television is in my blood. I’m looking forward to it.”
The plan has been met with controversy, however.
A number of local drug abuse groups have lashed out at the giant, faceless multinational broadcaster – saying that forcing somebody to take nigh-on-lethal amounts of molly for the entertainment of others is unethical.
But Foxtel hit back at those guitar-strumming hippies who hate uppers, saying they’ll get the bags of molly and the ecstasy pills comprehensively tested for anything bad.
“There’s no danger of Gus keeling over in Bay 29 of the MCG on Boxing Day,” said one Foxtel source.
“He’s got a heart the size of a hot water bottle. Strong as an ox. He broke the ECG machine during his annual medical,”
“Gus’ new show reflects the CSIRO’s recent findings that Australia takes the most uppers per capita in the world. What better way to show the real Australian summer than to peer pressure a polite, happy-go-lucky punter into doing hard drugs? It’s a rite of passage for every Australian. Your first kiss, first chop, first pinger. Trust me, you’re all in for a treat!”
More to come.