ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese has emerged from COVID isolation this morning and straight into a number of television interviews where he reflected on his time alone.

Living just a stone’s throw from Royal Marrickville Golf Club, an exclusive 18-hole golf course in Sydney’s inner west, Anthony Albanese told reporters that he would venture out at night when nobody was around for a bit of a midnight walk.

While he walked the fairways of the golf club, he noticed that somebody has been spraying glyphosate (RoundUp) on a number of the greens.

“Like, uh, most people who have caught this damn bug, I went for a few walks at night while nobody was around,” he said.

“And I knew nobody would be on the golf club, except for, you know, kids drinking in the mangroves and, uh, other things but as I was walking, I noticed that some bastard has been poisoning the greens.”

Royal Marrickville Golf Club was the centre of a hyper-local stoush last year between what’s left of the Old Marrickville and the “NIMBY cunts” who’ve moved into the suburb in recent years.

Some wanted it gone and replaced with grass paddocks for their over-fed offspring to boot a soccer ball around or to let their little dog shit in. Others wanted the golf course to remain.

In the end, the golf club was given a 21-year stay of execution.

“Nevertheless,” Albo continued.

“Under my government, I promise to put our peak domestic security agency, ASIO, on the trail of whoever is poisoning the greens. They will find out which local councillor, uh, I mean disgruntled local resident, uh, yuppie dog, is doing this and they will be, uh, arrested,”

“Because while I may be the Prime Minister, I’m still the Member for Grayndler and local issues in my electorate will always be important. Like finding out who’s doing this poisoning, uh, because the Cooks River hides a lot of secrets.”

More to come.


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