INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact
The back shelves at pharmacies around town have been stripped of Concerta as the ADHD medication becomes the latest prescription drug to be hoarded and abused by people whose real afflictions are wealth, entitlement and an inability to accept that they might just be a bit annoying.
A French Quarter pharmacist confirmed the last box was picked up this morning by a well-dressed but rather round young man from Betotoa Grove, our town’s leafiest enclave, who insisted he had “always struggled with executive dysfunction” before proceeding to list off the side effects he was most looking forward to. It became clear afterwards that this was a rehearsal for a social media post.
This latest shortage follows the same trend as Ozempic, where diabetics were forced to go without their medication so cashed-up narcissists could shed a few kilos before their next European holiday, all without lifting a finger or a fork. Now, it is diagnosed ADHD patients competing with people with poor impulse control, no general discipline and the town’s inexplicably lazy.
Local GP Dr Graham Withers says ADHD diagnoses have skyrocketed in recent months despite no real evidence that half the town suddenly developed a serious attention disorder.
“I had one bloke tell me he needed Concerta because he gets bored during shows like White Lotus and misses too much of it and has to keep rewinding,” said Withers.
“He could just put his phone away like a normal person but no.”
With no end to the shortage in sight, pharmacists have urged Australians to leave the medication for those who need it. Early reports suggest that advice will be ignored.
More to come.
