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Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has today stated that any men who feel the need to lay with mankind the way they lay with womankind, should stop being so politically correct.
“The same goes for the women who have somehow found a way to have sex with other women” he says.
The conservative Catholic has kicked off his campaign for a ‘no’ vote in a postal plebiscite, urging Australians to reject same-sex marriage if they want to protect religious freedom and reject political correctness.
“It’s just so typical of the politically correct social commentators out there to treat gay people like adults”
“I’m actually shocked by some of the people out there supporting the preposterous idea. With Cardinal Pell visiting and everything”
“Like my attention-seeking sister and her housemate, Virginia”
Speaking to the media this morning, Australian Prime Minister and relatively progressive Baby Boomer, Malcolm Turnbull has told the LGBTI community of Australia that he is disappointed in the result.
“I represent the Wentworth Electorate for fuck’s sake,” he said.
“Elizabeth Bay, Bondi Beach, Kings Cross… It is not lost on me that my biggest supporters are gay,”
“Unfortunately, however, I have inherited a Government of racist creationists. The plebiscite was deadset the only way I was going to get this thing through without some sort of Fiji-style coupé,”
“I apologise profusely for the behaviour of the Baby Boomer’s who run this country alongside me. To my gay friends, I would ask that you patiently wait a few more years until we all have dementia or die,”
“Just pretend to be housemates for a little bit longer,”
However, as pointed out by The Betoota Advocate during the hung Federal Parliament earlier this year, the scourge of the Baby Boomer doesn’t look to end any time soon.
Dr. Braiden Youngen, an anthropologist and historian from the CSIRO, says the reason baby boomers are still in charge of the world is because they have instilled a false sense of importance into themselves.
“Many of them believe that they worked very hard for everything good in this world,” says Dr Youngen
“They are forgetting that the generation above them lived through a great depression and fought in two world wars,”
“They also forget that they are solely responsible for the global financial crisis in 2008, and the fact that it was through the help of Generation X and Y that both capitalism and civil order was able to remain relatively intact – until they tightened the reigns with Brexit and Donald Trump,”
“The most influential person on Earth, Mark Zuckerberg, is an entire generation younger than them… and most of them don’t know who he is or what he does,”
Local gay, Tim Moran, says it took ten years for his dad to recognise that his partner was more than a housemate, and really wishes the Government could help the LGBTI community with this issue.
“I’m not a fucking cowboy. I’m not referring to anyone as partner. Let me call him my husband and be done with it,”
“I think they honestly want us to keep pretending we aren’t gay and live in loveless marriages, like politicians do.”