15 September, 2015. 11:56
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
[dropcap]A[/dropcap]FTER RETURNING TO The Lodge yesterday, Tony Abbot retired to his room to be alone for a while. Insiders have revealed that since late last night, the former prime minister has been strumming along to a smorgasbord of punk, post-punk and garage rock bands as he comes to terms with being deported by his own party.
“He’ll be OK, it’s just a bit of prime ministerial angst,” said the insider. “He’s been playing along to The Smiths all morning – he’s getting pretty good at ‘I Know (It’s Over)’, which is pretty hard.”
Mr Abbott returned to The Lodge because it’s the last place anybody would think he’d be.
The 57-year-old has yet to break his silence after losing the leadership of the Liberal Party overnight to fellow Rhodes scholar Malcolm Turnbull, who spoke briefly last night. Turnbull promised to usher in a “traditional and true Liberal government”, replacing whatever the past two years was.
Prior to his Smiths binge, Abbott was reportedly fixated on Nirvana, which was around the time his chief-of-staff was told to “fuck off” after knocking on his door. Peta Credlin has been trying to slip notes and food under the door to little avail, according to a source. Although it’s unconfirmed, Cardinal George Pell is said to be flying back from the Vatican to console the British-born onion eater as Abbott was heard saying that “only God has the right to judge him”, which has members of his internal circle worried.
“This obviously wasn’t part of His plan,” said Cardinal Pell. “Tony did more to guarantee the continued relationship between the church and state since Alfred Deakin. This is a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.”
The government went into crisis mode this morning after super-angst nu metal group Korn was heard blaring from the second floor of the parliamentary compound in Canberra. On the authority of ANU Professor of Adolescent Pain Wanda Dork, when sad people listen to bands like Korn, feelings of hopelessness and alienation are often amplified.
“I’m guessing everyone close to the former prime minister are walking on egg shells at the moment,” said Professor Dork. “He’s probably feeling very fragile at the moment, it’s best leave him be to feel sorry for himself.”
When Mr Abbott finally emerges from his room is anyone’s guess, but those close to him have revealed that he must be feeling hungry by now.