ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
SYDNEY NEEDS TO BE less desirable and more dangerous according to a new political party hell bent on helping young Sydneysiders buy a house in the harbour city.
Following a city planning model similar to Brazil’s Rio De Janeiro, The FairGo Party plans to destabilise Sydney to the point where people will actively feel afraid, driving property prices down.
Party president Alex Yunnan says the first measure he plans to take, should he win power in this year’s election or not, is to reintroduce a rampant drug trade. Something that politicians have been fighting for decades.
“We’re hoping that the violence spills out into the more desirable parts of Sydney, too,” said Yunnan.
“There’s also a plan in the works to begin kidnappings and banditry on cars driving in and out of the Eastern Suburbs. There’s nothing better for property prices, from our perspective, for a rich old banker to be dragged out of his Bentley and shot in the street,”
“Gangs are the key. Random stabbings and shootings, like what you see in Rio, have been instrumental in maintaining their low property values.”
In more targeted attacks, Yunnan and his organization plan to bus immigrants and brown people into areas that baby boomers enjoy investing in.
According to a government study last year, property prices drop whenever there’s a disproportionate amount of drugs, immigrants, crime and NRL merchandise in the area.
As the city relies heavily on tourism, naive tourists are also in FairGo’s crosshairs.
“Because the cost of living here is so high, we voted unanimously to begin stealing from and bashing tourists who’re dumb enough to walk through Darling Harbour with their headphones in,” said Yunnan.
“It’s not a long-term solution, though. If we keep jumping on their heads as soon as the sun goes down, they’ll stop coming here.”
However, FairGo’s controversial policies have been met with a lot less backlash than what the media expected, with police saying they’re powerless to act until one of them commits a crime.
While not necessarily defending their actions, police superintendent Max Duckmann says that he understands why this group of young people is so angry.
“You see, I was able to buy a home in Glebe back in 1985 for about $50 000,” said Superintendent Duckmann.
“It’s worth two million now. People my son’s age will never, ever be able to own a home east of Parramatta,”
“I know why FairGo wants to do what they do, but it’s not the right way to go about it. At the very least, they should let us know when they plan to start, so I can sell way before that.”