ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | firstname.lastname@example.org
AN OUTBREAK OF Colombian influenza in Sydney has parts of the city in lockdown as health authorities struggle to contain the disease’s spread during post-election celebrations.
“We did it. Jobs and growth,” one polo-wearing Waratahs fan was heard shouting from inside the toilets in a well-known Eastern Suburbs hotel.
Areas in the city’s east have been hit hardest with suburbs such as Double Bay and Vaucluse declared as being in a “state of emergency”.
A temporary barrier has been built from South Bondi to Double Bay via Bondi Junction to prevent people from entering and exiting the Eastern Suburbs.
The Colombian influenza virus is spread via Colombian cocoa plant leaves which is then manufactured in to an addictive substance called “cocaine”.
It is not contagious – the disease only spreads because cocaine use in Sydney’s east has come back in to fashion, a trend that has been accelerated by revelations that suggest Australia will remain under a Liberal Government.
Cocaine use is linked to Colombian influenza and health authorities are recommending that people try not to ingest the drug – even if they didn’t pay for it.
In the past, the Colombian flu has reached epidemic rates of infection in New York City (1989), London (1999) and Canberra (2013)
The World Health Authority (WHO) has declared the recent outbreak an epidemic – yet Sydney’s wealthiest residents aren’t complaining.
“There’s finally places for my children to park their cars,” says Parsley Bay resident Saara Graeme-Wilson.
“The other residents and I have been able to revert Parsley Bay Park back to it’s original purpose,”
“A polo field.”
Local communities have banded together inside the exclusion zone to try to navigate through the next few months as they ponder the next 6 weeks cut off from the world.
“It’s a blessing,” says Rose Bay resident Lady Katherine Lawson.
“Children are walking to school again instead of being driven in their new-money tacky mother’s Volvo four-wheel-drive,” says Lady Lawson.
“I remember when the airboat base was out there in the bay. Those young Americans were so charming,”
“Nowadays I can’t even cross the street without bumping in to some Oriental chap who’s relatives probably tortured and imprisoned my beloved husband,”
The Premier of NSW Mike Baird, has urged the public to remain calm.
“We can nip this on the bud if we keep our safety measures in place,” says premier Baird.
“Nobody can enter or leave the Eastern Suburbs until 2015. The government is working hard to assure the people of western Sydney that they’ll be able to spend New Years Eve in Double Bay,”
The NSW Government is expected to lift the quarantine on 31 December – just in time for revellers to enjoy NYE celebrations.
The unaffected people within the quarantine zone are encouraged to stay in their homes and avoid crowded areas.
In particular, pubs and clubs with an Instagram account have been singled out as being particularly dangerous.
Watsons Bay resident Sacha Radomsky Snr., says that he and his family don’t mind being cut off from the rest of Sydney.
“All the riff-raff from the Western Suburbs come here on the weekend all the time,” says Mr Radomsky.
“So I guess that’s a positive upside of the Colombian flu – it keeps away the Labor voters from my suburb, yeah?”
The South African-born banker said the recent epidemic could push up house prices if they decide to make the barrier permanent.
“Who knows, maybe if we keep these barriers in place – my house could be worth millions more.”
Prospect resident Nassar El-Hamani, says the quarantine situation is “bullshit” and he and his friends should be allowed to go wherever they want.
“I like to spend time out where all the rich c**ts live because it keeps me motivated to grow my business,” says Mr El-Hamani.
“They call the cops if you do burn outs, too. It’s a fun place to live.”
“Last time I was at the Sheaf, I saw Redfoo. Last time I was at Penrith Panthers, I saw my cousin get shot over an ounce of weed.”
The current model predicts that after the supply of cocaine has been cut, there’s up to a weeks supply left inside the quarantine zone.
The WHO says a vaccine is still quite some time off but has recommended the consumption of bananas to help alleviate the withdrawal symptoms associated with cocaine use.
The Royal Australian Air Force has been dropping bananas in to the quarantine zone this afternoon.
The operation will continue until the quarantine expires on 31 December.
Australians are asked to call the Colombian Influenza Hotline on 1800 777 444 for information regarding the virus or friends and family trapped within the quarantine zone. Consulates with the quarantine zone has urged their citizens contact their embassy in Canberra.
Police are urging anyone with information in relation to the sale or manufacture of cocaine to call Crime Stoppers on 1800 333 000 or use the Crime Stoppers online reporting page: https://nsw.crimestoppers.com.au/ Information you provide will be treated in the strictest of confidence. We remind people they should not report crime information via our Facebook and Twitter pages.