19 April, 2016. 11:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A REPORT COMMISSIONED BY an Australian brewery has found that only girls like the taste of beer that comes packaged in clear bottles.
It also recommends that Australian men who enjoy malted beverages such as Corona, Toohey’s Extra Dry or XXXX Summer to walk to the nearest bathroom and look themselves in the mirror. Most disturbingly, the study came to the conclusion that adding anything to beer, such as lime, lemon or lemonade should be made illegal as a matter of urgency.
Though not necessarily enjoyed strictly by females, all Australians should remain sceptical of any self-respecting, red-blooded male choosing to drink a low-carb beer variety. The study makes the clear distinction between lower-carb and low-carb beers, with the latter being the most detrimental to a man’s image.
Speaking from the heart this morning, President of The Royal Australian Society of Beer Gary Logan said that the report will force to men to confront some home truths.
“Our findings suggest that a virile young man should be drinking something robust and full-flavoured, like a XXXX Bitter or a Tooheys New. It definitely shouldn’t be craft. It should have enough carbohydrates to support the active lifestyle of a charming and handsomely rotund gentleman,” he said.
“Beer in clear bottles should be kept beside the moisturising shaving cream and waxing strips so both the metrosexuals and the girls can pick up a carton before they head home to watch Home & Away,”
“Anyway, the bottom line is beer comes in brown bottles, or if you’re sinking piss in Europe, green is OK, too. Biggest things to avoid are all craft beers, they are poison. Keep away from the low-carb option because they lower your sperm count and don’t even touch beer from clear bottles because you’ll end up disappointing your Dad. If you put a lime in your beer, then just fuck right off.”