ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | firstname.lastname@example.org
A BOUTIQUE ARTISAN goods manufacturer is launching “Spray on Mud™” for urban four-wheel-drive owners.
The Bondi Bay Collective says the new product will target those who own a SUV but only brave the frontier of their local Woolworths.
The luxury item will be available in a wide variety of colours and textures – from a red Dubbo claypan to a black Premer wheat field.
“It gives four-wheel-drive owners back some dignity,” says Bay Collective owner Miles Long.
“The mud is filtered so there’s no stones and debris to damage the paintwork,”
“It’s free-trade soil off sustainable organic farms from exclusive Far-Western locations in NSW like Oberon and Lithgow.” says Long.
On Sunday, The Daily Telegraph revealed that over 90% or urban four wheel drive owners have been called a “wanker” in the past 12 months – which prompted demands for a product that gives owners an excuse to own a SUV.
Clifton Gardens mother of three, Glynn Ellis-Childers, says that her husband feels ashamed to drive her Mercedes Benz ML55 around because he was born and raised in Nyngan.
“He was lucky enough to make it out of the country and get a real job,” said Mrs Ellis-Childers.
“I wanted a car that was both stylish and safe for my family,”
“So I asked my husband for his Amex and I came home with this [smiles]” she said.
Owner of the aforementioned BMW X5, Jock Childers, says that he still won’t drive his “wife’s car” after covering it in artificial mud.
“Every time we go back to Nyngan for Christmas, my Dad laughs at me and calls me a “soft c**t.” said Childers.
“I want to burn the thing for insurance and get a Falcon – but the wife thinks a good car is one that’ll keep her safe but horribly kill the person she crashed in to,”
“Honestly, I don’t even feel bad f**king my interns anymore.”
Bill Fuller from 4WD Action Adventure magazine says that this is just another “wanker product” that gives genuine four-wheel-drive owners a bad name.
“I don’t understand why these people buy off-road vehicles and don’t use them to their full capacity,” said Fuller.
“I’ll tell you what, somebody should start a business where they take an urban 4WD for the weekend and drive the c**t through a creek or two.”
Spray on Mud™ will be available just in time for Christmas, with sales expected to boom as wealthy people return home from holidays in the new year.