20 January, 2015. 15:35
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
THERE WERE CHAOTIC SCENES today in Sydney’s cool enclave as thousands of people flocked to Surry Hills to get their hands on an In-N-Out burger. The pop-up store was only going to be popped-up for today only, sparking absolute bedlam.
“They were sold out before the fucking place even opened,” said a visibly annoyed customer. “This is bullshit.”
One irate customer threatened to throw himself under a passing bus, he was that upset. Another creative account manager burst into tears after staff delivered the bad news, via bullhorn.
However, one Surry Hills local said he and his friends weren’t prepared to queue for food like a group of Somalis around a UN food truck, for something they’ve all known about for years.
“Man, when I was in San Fran, that’s all I used to eat,” said local Looke Manghan (who’s actually from Terrigal). “I mean, it’s just so crass that people would, like, actually do that.”
Manghan confirmed his undying love for the US fast food chain dates back to 2009, when he took his first overseas holiday to the United States. Flipping through is Instagram account, which he says he’s forced to have “because of work”, Looke is undoubtedly pictured with many of the chain’s famous hamburgers.
“You see, this is me at Fisherman’s Wharf, this cool little village on the edge of The Bay. Only the locals know about it which makes it really authentic,” he said.
“The In-N-Out at The Wharf was where it all began. We used to go there all the time. Even my friends at Berkeley would make the trek out from O-town.”
Many misinformed commentators and distilled idiots have called for In-N-Out to open a store in Sydney, even though the company has outright refused to even consider the East Coast yet.
Editorial Assistant Emma Gurgles said she got up “real early, like before 7” to get a spot in line. Her parents were even in on it, driving her to Linfield station at the crack of dawn.
“I remember having one when I was in America. It was really good and tasty,” said Gurgles. “When the opportunity came up to have one in Sydney, I almost fell off my bloody fucking chair!”
Equally as blown away was her colleague and genderless Redfern local Saphfyre Frog, who also got up early to make sure to get one.
“I’m indifferent about this, there’s so many more problems in the world,” Frog said.
“The fact that people are willing to like up for 12 hours to get a fucking hamburger makes me want to go back to my home planet of Xengoonoo. My heart just ins’t in the Inner West anymore.”