11 May, 2016. 11:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
MAKING OUT WITH YOUR boyfriend in a country under Shari’a Law is considered safer than riding a bicycle in the Brisbane traffic. That’s because the Queensland government legalised running over cyclists this morning – just days the blitz on ride-sharing app Uber.
People riding bikes in traffic has been a contentious issue in the River City for years, but in what’s being interpreted as a win for motorists, their peddling days may be numbered.
In response to the new laws, Queensland Health has begun to import a raft of orthopaedic surgeons and anaesthetists to cope with the expected spike in broken bones that typically arise from being crushed under an automobile.
Speaking today from the passenger seat of her husband’s Toyota Landcruiser, Premier Anna Palaszczuk said now is the time to invest in a bullbar/scrub bar combination before they get too expensive.
“The biggest thing to take away from today’s decision to legalise running over cyclists is that bullbars and scrub bars are about to become very expensive,” she said.
“After you plough through your first pack of those plastic shirt fucks down by the Kangaroo Point cliffs or something, the bullbar will pay for itself,”
“We’re considering introducing legislation to reintroduce Uber to the market, as long as they run over three bike riders a shift.” she said.
Drivers have been warned, however, that you still aren’t allowed to run over a kill a cyclist. The law protects a motorist from anything but vehicular manslaughter or murder.
One former cyclist has spoken out against the laws, saying that after he learned riding his bike on a public road is a virtual death sentence, he started riding a Razor scooter on the footpath.
Sadly, he was mistaken for a bike rider and was promptly run over by a Tarago full of Tongans while still pushing himself along on a Wynnum footpath, just metres from his home.
“I broke 17 bones, ruptured both of my ear drums, lost three toes, nine teeth and probably an eye in the accident,” said East Brisbane bartender Miles Glender.
“My scooter and lifeless body ended up causing thousands of dollars worth of damage to the Tarago, now I’m being sued for the repairs – and it’s all legal.”
“It seems if you need to get anywhere in Brisbane these days, you either need to own a car or pay some deviant to drive you there,”
“I’m moving to Sydney.”