Plastic Penis Straw Shortage Results In Panic For Nation’s Bridesmaids

Tani says that she just wishes hen's parties were more like buck's parties.

Plastic Penis Straw Shortage Results In Panic For Nation’s Bridesmaids

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

A nationwide shortage of plastic penis straws is not making life any easier for the unfortunate women around Australia who have been selected to play the role of a bridesmaid in the near future.

The bridesmaids are members of the bride’s party in a wedding. A bridesmaid is typically a young woman, and often a close friend or sister. She attends to the bride on the day of a wedding or marriage ceremony and in the six months leading towards it.

Local woman Tani McGuire (29) says that the extremely overrated role of chief bridesmaid (or maid of honour if she is unmarried, or the matron of honour if she is married) – is hard enough as it is. Let alone the fact that she now has to plan a hen’s party without plastic penis straws.

“My friend Sally asked me to be her Bridesmaid about four months ago. I was so excited,” says the jaded young woman who has been a bridesmaid for six times previously.

“Since then I have spent over three grand on flights, dresses and organising this fucking hen’s party,”

“She’s a bit of bridezilla, I already knew that, but I didn’t think she would take the hen’s party so serious. This industry must be lucrative.”

While acknowledging the gesture of asking someone to play the role of bridesmaid is quite sentimental, Tani also realises that she is playing somewhat of a slave to Sally, enduring the brunt of her pre-wedding anxieties.

“There is very little pros to this role at the moment,”

“I’m sitting up front for every tantrum and I’m experiencing all of her worst traits,”

“Like, I know she wants to drink cocktails through penis straws on her hen’s party, so I know there is a huge possibility of her not enjoying the day if we can’t provide that.

Economists say that the current plastic penis straw shortage in Australia, is purely due to the amount of weddings that the nation is hosting, as most young people realise there is no possible way that they will be able to afford a home on a single income.

That, and the fact that plastic penis straws have been banned in NSW and QLD after the Australian Christian Lobby protested their sales, stating that they promote sex before marriage, as well as “alcohol-related sluttiness”.

Tani says that she just wishes hen’s parties were more like buck’s parties.

“That’d be a lot easier to organise. Just a few cases of beer on a boat with a stripper… I wouldn’t have to worry about all these fucking cupcakes and sashes,”

“Do people even enjoy getting married?”

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