22 November, 2016. 11:23
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
THOUGH THE BABY-FACED PUBLIC servant is well into his twenties, Constable Damien Longshanks from the Broadbeach LAC has chosen his trendiest threads to pound the pavement tonight as a plain-clothed policeman.
Tasked with keeping the ‘Schoolies’ safe from the scourge of public drunkenness and MDMA, the 29-year-old spent some time this afternoon putting together his look in his Pacific Pines apartment.
“I’ve got these sick SMP denim shorts because I know is going to be sticky as Redskin golly tonight,” he said.
“The kids don’t wear sneakers anymore, they’ve gone out of fashion. I’ve got a pair of New Balances that are both comfortable and practical. I could run down Darius Boyd in these bastards. But yeah, mate. It’s all about blending in.”
Longshanks concedes that he won’t be able to wear a ‘cool’ belt on the count of all the gear he has to carry with him while on duty, such as handcuffs, mace and a Glock 17.
Another thing he doesn’t have time for are ‘Toolies’ or members of the wider community who are a few years older than the school-leaving cohort, but are just as keen to get up to no good.
“We take a pretty dim view of those people,” explained Damien.
“If we find Toolies making trouble or taking advantage of somebody, drag them into a fire escape or something and just go ham on them. Those extendable batons are next level, they’re almost as effective as the Glock. Then we put their wheezing corpse into a ‘drunk chair’ and wheel them out onto the beach to sleep the beating off.”
“Just another way we’re keeping everyone safe during Schoolies Week.” he said.