26 April, 2016. 13:23
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
AFTER PICKING UP AN old issue of New Idea at his local dentist, Blake Mickley agrees that there certainly was some crazy shit happening in the world of celebrity back in 1999.
His epiphany was only made possible by the 23-year-old accidently leaving his phone at home, realising his error half way to the dentist – he decided that he’d be able to tough it out without it.
“Here I am, just dropping in get my palate expander widened and I’m learning about Michael Jackson’s financial woes. Do you know how much that fucking chimp cost him? Half a mil a year! I’d have tapped the cunt on the head before I got him out of the car!” he yelled.
“Then in another article in this magazine said that Tom Cruise and MJ ate the chimp later on? Wonder what it tasted like?”
“But yeah mate, back to the point. It’s bloody weird, hey? I’m certainly not across celebrity, but even I know that this is all crap. My Mum used to buy it every week for some fucked reason. I don’t get it, it’s not even real? What’s the point of reporting on something that didn’t happen?”
Among the other magazines on offer was a National Geographic from 1984 that forewarned that the Earth was getting too cold and the polar bears were freezing to death.
A rare copy of the Financial Review was also described by Mickley as advising their readers to get out of property before the crash in prices back in 1997, saying that investing in housing is a “mug’s game”.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom according to the law clerk, who says he’s going to ask the dentist for some serious drugs to numb the horrible pain of having your palate widened by a sadistic bit of plastic and stainless steel.
“I’ve got some good vapourwave to listen to when I’m muzzing out tonight on whatever he gives me,” he said.
“If he doesn’t give me anything, I can just swing by a couple pharmacies on the way home and pick up a few boxes of codeine tablets. They work alright, but I’m really holding out for some OxyContin.”