New Study Finds Over 85% Of Australian TV Viewers Dream About Assaulting David Koch

Kochie is the most frequent Australian television personality to appear in dreams, according to a new study
Kochie is the most frequent Australian television personality to appear in dreams, according to a new study

13 April, 2015. 11:35

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | editor@betootaadvocate.com

A new survey conducted by the Australian Centre for Sleep Hygeine and Health (ACSHH) has revealed some interesting findings surrounding Australians and their dreams.

Researchers say they are astounded by the recurrence of a particular Australian television personality appearing in the dreams of a cross-section of Australian respondents.

David Koch interviews Tony Abbott live on the 2nd-rate Australian breakfast program
David Koch interviews Tony Abbott live on the 2nd-rate Australian breakfast program

The study, which was aimed at exploring the correlation between free-to-air television rosters and their affect on Australian sleep patterns, showed that majority of Australians endure the same types of dreams, regularly.

85% of the regular viewers of free-to-air Australian television who were surveyed admitted to having recurring dreams that revolved around Australian television presenter and financial commentator David Koch, also known as “Kochie”.

David Koch goofing around on Channel Seven's "Sunrise" breakfast show, a program that he co-hosts
David Koch goofing around on Channel Seven’s “Sunrise” breakfast show, a program that he co-hosts


Of that 85% – a vast majority pointed out similar themes in relation to the role that David Koch played in their dreams.

90% regularly dreamt about being locked alone in the same room as David Koch, while 25% dreamt about driving into the desert alone with David Koch.

A startling 85% of those who dream about “Kochie” had at one point fantasised about holding a loaded firearm to his temple.

75% had dreamt about “kneecapping” the co-host of Channel Seven’s Sunrise with a bloodied cricket bat.

David Koch is made to look unusually handsome when paired next to the extremely pasty rednut known as Ed Sheeran
David Koch is made to look unusually handsome when paired next to the extremely pasty rednut known as Ed Sheeran

The most regular and possibly the most concerning trend amongst Australian television viewers is the amount of people who have dreamt about “ducking” David Koch. The concept of which is a bizarre inclusion to the study, as it is a foreign witch-hunting practice that dates back to the 13th and 14th centuries.

Over 92% percent of those surveyed admit to dreaming about seeing David Koch tied up and gagged while being lowered into a large body of water during a public “ducking”. The respondents fantasies differ between that of a freezing lake and the next most common scenario which appears to be an above ground pool. Both with predatory sea-animals circling his struggling body until it goes limp.

A illustrated depiction of the process of "ducking" an alleged witch in colonial Washington
A illustrated depiction of the process of “ducking” an alleged witch in colonial Washington

David Koch’s consistent and similar appearances in the dreams of Australian TV viewers has many people from both the world of sleep medicine as well as light-entertainment television puzzled.

The quarterly ratings on Sunrise, a second-tier breakfast program co-hosted by David Koch, do not correlate with the amount of viewers who admitted to dreaming about “Kochie”.

This clash of numbers suggest that even the briefest exposure to the Adelaide-born finance guru is enough for some people to fantasise about violently assualting and even murdering him.

On a lighter note, the world of sport continues to dominate both our television rosters as well as our day-t0-day lives with over 60% of female respondents admitting to dreaming about having sexual relations with tattooed AFL and NRL footballers. Over 30% of male respondents also admitted to this.

 

 

 

One Response to "New Study Finds Over 85% Of Australian TV Viewers Dream About Assaulting David Koch"

  1. deadalivebutnotburried   August 3, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Yes I suspected this epidemic over the years and now its gushing in……..the tide has turned. The day THAT MAN lined up at the oval in the middle of the fires that destroyed Healesville Vic in a Akubra and ankle length dry as a bone…….I had the double B. raised at the tellie.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.