22 September, 2015. 16:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
[dropcap]M[/dropcap]ULTI-NATIONAL FAST food giant McDonalds announced today that in light of a recent report that suggests more and more young people are shunning the comfort food for more healthy options, they’re going to start trialling more fuckwit friendly options such smashed avocado on toast and muesli bowls.
“It’s a risk, but it’s one we have to take,” said Australian McDonalds CEO Greg Davis. “Young people these days are happy to drink 20 schooners or vodka lemonades – which can contain upwards of 30 tablespoons of sugar, but turn their noses up at a Big Mac. Fuckin’ Pete Evans.”
In a first for Australia’s favourite late-night food trough, McDonalds plans to hire bakers to produce the new artisan, organic and fair trade sourdough bread in-house. Something local dickhead Rhett “Tin Tin” Rhainer said was a great new beginning.
“Food is so homogenised these days. Back in the 90’s, when I was a kid, the world was so much better,” said the insufferable food professional. “I’m excited to go back to Ronald McDonald’s US-style cafeterias really soon.”
However, questions have been asked of where McDonalds will ethically source the avocados from.
Mr Davis was quick to add fuel to the fire but assures customers that the avocados will be all above board.
“Do you know how many dickheads there are in the country right now? Do you know how many avocados those dickheads eat each day?” said Davis.
“It’s impossible to ethically source that many avocados – I’m sorry but anybody who tells you it’s possible is full of shit, just like the people who eat the things.”
In 2009, homegrown fast food chain Hungry Jacks was embroiled in a similar scandal. After The Daily Telegraph revealed that the company was using “blood avocados”, which are avocados that fuel the on-going civil wars in Africa and Guatemala. The blood avocados are sold on the black market to the highest bidder, with their origins forged on import manifests.