22 August, 2016. 10:23
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
SOMETIMES JESUS DECIDES TO take one of his children down a peg, last night it was NSW Premier Mike Baird.
Explaining to The Advocate this morning via Skype, the Holy Spirit said he wanted to restore some order to the universe – which in recent months has been tipped heavily toward the 48-year-old politician.
“I’ve been getting a lot of prayers from greyhound owners, trainers and supporters who’ve asked me to knock Mike off before the ban goes ahead. Obviously, I’m not going to do that, but I kind of had to sympathise with them so I decided to break the premier’s back last night,” said Jesus.
“Publicans and other hospitality staff, as well as New South Welshmen tied up in the greyhound industry, need Jesus more than anyone else right now. There’s plenty of good Christians who fear my old man as much as I do in those industries so it only felt right to help them out,”
“While he’s effectively rendered the state’s nightlife industry a quadriplegic, I felt a nice cracked vertebra satisfied my lust for Catholic atonement and penance. Don’t worry, everything will work out in the end. You can trust me.” said Jesus.
Echoed the sentiments of the Pope’s boss, Mike Baird was happy to know that his catastrophic accident last night was all part of His plan – and not the work of another more evil celestial being.
While he’ll escape the need for any uncomfortable intrusive back surgery, the road to recovery will be long and slow according to his doctors.
“That’ll teach me for getting a glass of water in the middle of the night in socks!” said Baird.
“But my mouth was a bit. You see I’d been up late listening to Atlantic City on repeat while I enjoyed a glass of woody chardonnay as the sun set over the Pacific. It was only a $9 bottle so I wanted to make sure I didn’t have a headache in the morning,”
“When it happened, when I fell, I thought, ‘Jesus! Why God! Fuck me dead cunt, my fucking back!’ but then I realised that I was probably overdue for something like this. Then in the morning when Jesus confirmed it was all apart of His plan, I instantly felt better.”
In lieu of flowers and other gifts, the Premier asks that people donate the money to their favourite charity.