ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
KEVIN POWDER KNOWS ALL the words to ‘You Belong To Me‘ by Taylor Swift unironically. It’s a ripper yarn that every young beer enthusiast should know and belt out whenever the opportunity arises.
But Mr Powder confided in The Advocate this morning that his unfettered alcohol abuse is taking his mind off his many problems, with experts estimating that the number of his issues is close to one hundred.
“If you haven’t been punched in the head, you’re not a real bloke,” he said, clutching a warm schooner of Carlton Draught.
“I’m going to get a life ban from this cunt hole of a pub, watch me. I’m gonna [sic] glass a young professional and pash his missus before I leave this bourgeois shit hole, just fucking watch me cunt,” he said.
“Honestly, watch me. I’ve been lovesick in Venice before, I know what real pain is. But yeah, what were we talking about?”
The part-time park cricketer consumes close to 60 standard drinks a week, not including Saturday night and Sunday morning. That’s too much according to the people close to the 29-year-old slow left-armed chinaman.
Kevin’s domestic partner Sam agrees that while no human on Earth is able to pick his wrong’uns on a Saturday morning, by nightfall he’s a different person.
“How many blokes can bowl an old-fashioned-Stuart-Macgill-style googly out of the back of their hand and enjoy the odd schooner or black rat?” she said.
“Fucking not many. If you find a wrist spinner who can make you laugh, you should marry the dumb cunt.”