Local Samoan Claims To Be Cousins With Every Single Polynesian Sportsman To Ever Live

"Oh Bully Luke is gonna be a great asset to the Kiwis this world cup. He's been like that since he was a kid"

Local Samoan Claims To Be Cousins With Every Single Polynesian Sportsman To Ever Live

11 October 2016. 15:25

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Local Samoan, Joseph Imo, cannot sit in the TAB of any pub without pointing out that someone on the screen is a member of his extended family.

While perched in the centre of the Lord Betoota Hotel on Sunday afternoon, Joseph made it clear to his palagi [caucasian] friends, that he comes from a long line of sportsmen, be they boxers, rugby union player, rugby league players or Tim Cahill.

“I can’t believe how the media are treating Aaron Smith. He’s a cousin of mine, and let me tell you. He’s a good bloke” he says, blatantly ignoring the fact that every social encounter he has had in the last ten years involves at least one of six people he is sitting with.

“He’ll come good. Just look at my cousin, Sonny Bill,”

Imo’s close friend, Tod Whiteman says Joseph’s claims are probably true, but doesn’t believe that the Samoan idea of ‘cousin’ is the same as mainstream Australian.

“Mate, I have like three cousins. Deadset. One of them lives in Townsville and I’ve never met him,”

“I don’t doubt Jose is cousins with these guys, but yeah, he’s probably not blood related, I don’t think,”

With the FOX Sports channel now showing highlights of Lote Tuqiri’s career at the Brisbane Broncos in the NRL, Joe points out that the Tuqiri side of his family have always been handy footballers in both codes.

“Yeah, they aren’t too bad. Lote’s from some good stock. Tevita, Sereana and Mela were all good athletes,”

However, the island-hopping has gone too far and Joe’s close friend, Ashley, can’t help but pipe up.

“Mate he’s fucking Fijian!”

“Lote Tuqiri is Fijian,”

“Fiji is like 2000 kilometres away from Samoan. And he’s from Brisbane, your whole family is in Sydney,”

Joe responds quite defensively with a ‘what would you know cunt’ and points out that Ashley’s only cousin is now in jail, to the roaring laughter of fellow patrons.

“Righto Big Show’ says a defeated Ashley. Joe returns fire once again.

“If you want to talk wrestlers, I’m more like The Rock,”

“Dwayne Johnson is Samoan you know. He’s one of my…”