Local Man Worried Australia Day Is Going To Be Taken From Him Like A Mixed-Race Kid

"Well, I'm sorry. Not on my watch! This is Australia!"

Local Man Worried Australia Day Is Going To Be Taken From Him Like A Mixed-Race Kid

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Shepparton resident, Wyatt Mann, is terrified that Australia Day is going to be taken from him after one city took the radical step of cancelling its January 26 celebrations.

The port city of Fremantle in WA created the controversy when it cancelled its annual fireworks because the day of celebration was insensitive towards indigenous people. The city has announced they would go even further by moving all of its Australia Day activities to January 28 this year.

While the change of date appears to be only in the Fremantle, Wyatt says it wouldn’t surprise him if the lefty minorities got their way and took Australia Day from everyone. Like they were mixed-race Aboriginal kids or something.

“It’s unaustralian!” he roars.

“All these wingeing lefties trying to control our way of life. First they want to take away Australia Day, what’s next?”

“Are they going to send the holiday to a religious institution and abuse it for ten years before releasing on to the streets to deal with deeply engrained intergenerational trauma and disgustingly high incarceration and suicide rates?”

“Well, I’m sorry. Not on my watch! This is Australia!”

More to come.

3 Responses to "Local Man Worried Australia Day Is Going To Be Taken From Him Like A Mixed-Race Kid"

  1. Ron Muppet   November 29, 2016 at 5:03 pm

    Dear Sirs,

    As a Western Australian and the designated spokesmuppet for the revolutionary cadre that have abducted this precious day of yours, I advise that it is, at present, unharmed and being detained in a secure, secret location somewhere west of the 129th degree line of longitude. As long as our instructions are followed, you will get it back.

    Place large quantities of our stolen GST money in the largest paper bags you can find and leave them at the border just outside Eucla. Make no attempt to follow the person that collects them, and if it’s deemed enough we will free your day. Failure to comply and we will move it to April 1 and start cutting hours off of it one at a time and begin sending them to you until it’s down to Australia Hour, at which point we’ll shave its eyebrows and its head and force it to eat its own faeces.

    Do not inform the authorities that you have received this demand. The safety of your day hinges on your total compliance.

    Viva GST Liberation Front! Viva!

    Regards

    Ron Muppet

    Reply
  2. Gramma Nasty   November 29, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    …cutting hours off of it one at a time….

    No, no, no! You do not need the “of”.

    Reply
  3. Eddy Stonehenge   December 9, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    Look, the City of Left Wing Hippy Dipsters are still fuming from the discovery Betoota declared itself a nuclear free Port two days before they could drag themselves away from a soy bean decaffe latte to scratch a press release on the back of a Cicerello’s fish and chip wrapper with a recycled charcoal stick made from certified plantation timber.

    So imagine their angst when they realised the rest of the country was celebrating on the same day. And with fireworks too. Bloody harbour-side bridge. If only Freo’s bridges weren’t in danger of collapse and the river foreshore was free of seagulls chasing chips from the hands of children. Then they could have shown the country how to celebrate.

    But no, better now for Plan B and create their own special day. Just don’t tell them yet that Betoota already picked that day to celebrate the opening of their first reactor.

    Reply

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