Local dad loses interest in news and current affairs after buying hammock

"I couldn't give two fucks. I'm too old for this horseplay. I'm done."

Local dad loses interest in news and current affairs after buying hammock

16 August, 2016. 15:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

AFTER A BUSY MORNING PRESSURING HIS adult children into moving out of his house, semi-retired architect Michael Greenholm thought he’d put his afternoon to better use and visit his local Bunnings.

He often uses moments like a drive to Bunnings to enjoy a Peter Stuyvesant. Sometimes he takes the long way there, long enough to enjoy Side A of Houses of the Holy on the way there Рand Side B on the way back.

However, upon arriving at the hardware supermarket this afternoon, the 68-year-old spied something that could put him on the superhighway to living a life carefree.

“It all made so much sense. I even got the most expensive one there, it comes with a crude little mattress and everything. It’s shit hot,” he said.

“It’s hung up in the back yard between two birch trees that I always hated but the wife wanted them when we did the rennos¬†[sic] so fuck me right? So we got the fucking things and now they’re holding up my hammock – 20 years later,”

“When I got it up, I dragged a bunch of throw cushions off the bed and lined my new hammock with them. Then I got a stool from the kitchen and propped it up beside it.”

Buying a deluxe hammock has gifted Mr Greenholm with the opportunity to give up caring about the world and what happens in it.

He confident in The Advocate this afternoon, saying he no longer cares about politics, news or even current affairs because he’s too old for it and he owns a hammock, which has solved all of his problems.

“If you don’t believe me, wait until you’re a semi-retired-successful-white- 68-year-old man swinging in a hammock in the garden of a home you own outright,” he said.

“I’ve already had a smoke in it, looking up at the sky. The missus is bringing home some party pies, which I plan to eat in the hammock tonight.” he said.