2 January, 2016. 15:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
IT’S A MOAN THAT’S brought a small town in Central Queensland to its knees.
Fresh from recent controversy surround the name of the village’s local rugby team, The Isis Devils, this latest development has once again put the infamous hamlet under the microscope.
Like any responsible man of his age, 62-year-old John Emmett booked in to have his prostate exam late last year. While it wasn’t an easy decision, Emmett, who’s family has owned their property on the Isisford-Blackall River Rd for generations, said he knew he was doing the right thing in the end.
“It’s a long drive into town from here and all I could think about on the way was how bad it was going to be,” said the father of four. “It runs in my family, it does. Prostate cancer rolled my old man and an uncle. The missus was on my back about it, telling me to book an exam directly so I didn’t have a bloody choice, did I?”
But as it turns out, just prior to the exam, John ran into a mate, Lee Daniel, in the Blackall Hospital waiting room. He told Daniels that Farmers often account for extra time when visiting town, as things such as this often happen – ballooning the time one thought he’d actually be in town for.
After exchanging pleasantries and small talk, Emmett joined the doctor in the examination room where the intrusive test began. Unfortunately for all parties involved, just as Daniel walked past the examination door, John let out an audible moan as the doctor inserted his index and middle finger into his anus.
It wasn’t until the doctor started with the “come hither” motion or what is more commonly known as a “hook shot” that Emmett said he felt weak at the knees and he was overcome. The manoeuvre is quite similar to a technique medical professionals use to “milk the prostate” – to promote ejaculation in patients that otherwise would be unable to do it without medical assistance.
“It was like some sort of voodoo. I couldn’t help it. The moan was involuntary,” said Emmett.
Daniel was quick to notice the moan and was even quicker to tell his mates that evening at the Clancy Of The Overflow Hotel in downtown Isisford.
“I can’t show my face down there anymore,” said Emmett. “They’re taking the piss out of me. The publican put a little pink triangle on the door to let me know it’s safe. I’m not gay at all. All of my children were conceived in the missionary position.”
“The most adventurous thing I’ve done sexually was the Turkish Drill Press I performed in a nice secretary from Injune at the Yaraka Gymkhana in 1974.”