7 February, 2016. 15:45
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
SYDNEY HAS BEEN living in sin for far too long, according to Mike Baird and the powerful Christian lobby.
A report commissioned by the Christian Democratic Party (CDP) found that late night drinking, dance parties and homosexuals are damaging the traditional family model more than an alcoholic, problem gambling Catholic parent ever could, or even dream about doing.
To combat this immorality, the Four Horsemen of the Sydney cultural Apocalypse, Mike Baird, Andrew Scipione, Fred Nile and Troy Grant have suggested a raft of measures aimed stoping bad things from happening to young white men.
As revealed this morning by the NSW government, the lockout laws and bottleshop restrictions are just the first step in a major overhaul aimed at preventing those bad things from happening.
The second step includes pumping new life into Sydney’s former home of sexual deviancy, binge drinking, drug eating and street fighting. Similar to what’s on the table for George Street’s QVB district, Darlinghurst Road is tipped to become a pedestrian-only mall, complete with shops that sell you things you don’t need and coffee that’s more flirt than skirt.
A member-based, subscription-only place of Christian worship, similar to Hillsong, is also in the drafted plans for the precinct. Fortunately for the young professionals who’ve already started to buy the planned nearby apartments off the plan, the proposed mosque was blocked by the KBPOES lobby (Keep Brown People Out Of The Eastern Suburbs) group late last year.
“There is a direct correlation between alcohol and one-punch assaults. Similar to the direct link between Islam and Muslim extremists,” said a CDP spokesperson.
“Just like there’s a relationship between staying up all night, unwed fornication, homosexuality, drug abuse and the rate at which couples are getting divorced.”
After the Betoota police station closed down in 2005, the lack of policing in the area had a positive effect on the rate of alcohol fuelled violence. It also gave an element of trust back to the local people, who proceeded to start smoking again inside and only fought each other under the supervision of Max Pearson, our local resident who has a First Aid certificate.
However, a group of painful young socialists have lashed out at the government after they announced these new plans for the Cross.
“We’re all going to be voting for Luke Foley (NSW Labor leader) this time around anyway, even after half of his party was found to be corrupt,” said Sunny Harthog, chairwoman of the Sydney University Society of Premarital Tongue Kissing.
“Politicians should treat us the same. Just because a few dickheads punched a few kids and a couple of them died, doesn’t mean we all should be lumped in with them. Most of us just want to go out and have fun.”
Hitting back at his detractors, NSW premier Mike Baird said that no leader in their right mind is going to lift the lockout laws any time soon. It’s not a matter of what’s right in the eyes of God or society, it’s about what’s going to get you reelected.
“Say, for example, if I were to lift the lockout laws and then somebody gets killed in a one-punch assault, then the blood of that crime will be on my hands,” said Baird.
“That’s the same for any future leader, too. If they lift the ban, they’d have to live with the consequences if somebody died. And that’s something I’m not quite prepared to do yet.”
“I’d much prefer to a big gold crucifix in the centre of town, to remind everything that they are actually accountable for their sins,”