6 January, 2014. 12:34
IMRAN GASHKORI | Editor-at-large | Contact
AN armchair critic of the Australian cricket team has urged the players to “get up close and personal” with the Indians today at the Sydney Cricket Ground.
Speaking from his blonde brick apartment in Cronulla, home to Sydney’s last segregated public toilet, the obviously drunk and husky man says that our spearhead bowling line up has gone limp.
“When I was playing cricket, we were bowling with more passion and intensity in grade competition,” says the man.
“I was lucky enough to play with Glenn McGrath at Southern Districts – he wasn’t a tattoo-ed soft cock like most of them are now,”
“Glenn said I would’ve played for Australia if I didn’t throw my back out,”
The man says the solution to the team’s bowling woes could be remedied by giving “every bowler a spoonful of cement” before the start of the opening session – despite the clear health risks.
“They just need to harden the fuck up,” said the man.
“Especially that Shane Watson. He’s got the softest eyes I’ve seen in professional sport. I suspect he drinks white wine,”
“Not only that, I bet he’d get offended if you called him a ‘shirt-lifter’ in the dressing room.”
After revealing he called in sick to watch the cricket from home, the 44-year-old suggested that the Aussies need to work harder out in the middle.
“What we need are bowlers who bowl like David Warner bats,” said the man.
“With panache and flair – an air of confidence that only great men have,”
“And I bet he can get down when he needs to. You don’t grow up soft in a Matraville housing project.”
The fourth test resumes this morning with Captain Steven Smith winning the toss and electing to bat.