31 October, 2016. 18:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
YUPPIE PARENTS ARE AT RISK of having their children taken out of their care if they decide to take them trick-or-treating this year – that’s the message from the NSW Department of Community Services.
Celebrating Halloween is often seen as being as unAustralian as skipping out on a shout before it’s yours.
This year, the New South Wales state government is making their stance on the non-event by declaring categorically that should a parent be caught pandering to commercialism and inconveniencing their neighbours tonight, an extraction order may be granted in extreme cases.
“We are targeting yuppies specifically because they’re lives are vapid and hollow enough where they feel the need to celebrate everything. What happened to the days when kids got their kicks out of throwing rocks at each other?” said a DoCS official.
“Rather than force this mickey mouse Nickelodeon bullshit on our children, we’d suggest letting children occupy themselves with more wholesome activities that generations bygone used to enjoy. As a boy, my friends and I would sword fight with sticks and end up flogging Martin, the neighbourhood weakling, with whippy green sticks until he cried,”
“Yuppie children don’t learn these key life skills. You’re not a red-blooded Australian kid until you’ve thrown a punch and been punched. And what kind of parent has the energy to walk around the block three times after work? Parents should be left to enjoy a cold tin and a Peter Stuyvesant at 5pm while the kids watch a Pokemon rerun. I mean, fuck me, it’s hard enough being a parent without having to do all this extra shit.”
However, these latest developments have been met with unbridled backlash from parents who have too much time on their hands.
“Um.. Tell Mike Baird to keep Sydney open, keep his hands of my lesbian sister’s eggs and my children’s right to enjoy Halloween,” said one inner-city parent.
“He’s such a dinosaur.”