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National liquor retailer Dan Murphy’s today announced that it will remove Crown Larger from its Premium Beer Section.
The company’s CEO, Chris Stewart, said that the move came after countless people had attempted to return Crown Larger six packs which they had been thoughtlessly gifted over the Christmas period.
“For a long time we’ve been aware that Crown Larger is bought almost exclusively as a gift,” he said this morning.
“It is not purchased for personal consumption. We think that customers are being misled by its presence in the Premium Beer section, and are confused that it is a quality beer,”
Dan Murphy’s customers seemed to agree. Local man Mark Diezman admitted he is one of these many beer novices.
“As a devout rosé man myself, I had no idea Crown Larger was such an awful beer,”
“I usually provide that moron my sister married with a carton of Crownies to drink at Easter. I only buy it because it is expensive and I want them to know how well I am doing.”
“That, and the fact that he owns a jet ski,”
“If there is one thing I know, cashed up bogans love jet skis, lasagne and Crown Lager,”
Brewer of Crown Larger, Carlton & United Breweries have dismissed the move with a spokesmen claiming that Crown Lager will always be considered a premium beer in the eyes of real beer drinkers.
“No one buys James Boags to wash down prawns and tartare sauce. It’s Crownies all the way,” says CUB spokesmen, Noah Nadruku.
“Our consumers are cashed up young parents with big TV’s and a thirst for good, expensive beer that doesn’t taste like passionfruit. The craft beer community will never understand,”
Carlton United’s campaign against the craft beer community was first realised in November 2014 – when they sent several sales reps undercover into the Surry Hills Craft Beer Festival in Sydney to expose the “pretentious” culture of microbrewing.
However, a recent survey of Australian beer drinkers revealed that 80% of those surveyed that have admitted to consuming a “Crownie” in the last year were either at a regional Chinese restaurant, at a corporate box during a cricket match, or on an aeroplane.
Dan Murphy’s have announced that while they will continue to sell Crown Lager, it will be relocated into a new section of their industrial-sized liquor outlets. Crown Lager will now be available alongside Resch’s and Powers Bitter in the “Low-Breed” beer aisle.
It is believed that Crown Lager is set to combat Dan Murphy’s slur against their brand by once again rebranding their entire beer bottles in a metallic gold and silver plastic wrap.