26 February, 2016. 15:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
PRISONS IN QUEENSLAND AND NEW SOUTH WALES are under investigation today after allegations surfaced surrounding the inhumane practice of forcing tertiary-educated tax cheats and insider traders to watch Channel 10’s I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! came to light.
The show, featuring the bottom draw of the Australian entertainment industry, has been a runaway success for the embattled commercial network, with the program beating other riveting smut such as My Kitchen Rules and Q&A.
Producers for the UK-clone chalk the success of this season up to the fact that higher-than-average levels of heavy metals have been detected in metropolitan water supplies compared to this time last year.
However, that’s little comfort to Jamie Scanlan, who was tried and convicted of insider trading two years ago. Since then, he’s been forced to join a white supremacist gang, shank a fellow prisoner in an exercise room, traffic drugs through his lower intestine and organise a hit on a prominent member of Sydney’s Vietnamese community.
Quite a tale, but what the former Sydney Grammer student says is the worst thing about life on the inside is being forced to watch I’m A Celebrity.
“Not only do the fucking screws make me watch it, the mouth breathing racist drug addicts I live with just can’t get enough of it,” says Scanlan.
“I’d rather watch nothing. But I know better. A few weeks ago, I said something disparaging about Julia Morris when I was walking out of the rec room. Moments later, I had three rapists and a correctional officer jumping on me like a Beijing trampoline.”
Hitting back at the criminal financier, Silverwater Prison warden Sheila Dunkman says people like Scanlan made it hard on themselves.
The 57-year-old iron lady has given some advice to clever people who find themselves behind bars.
“We don’t force prisoners to watch I’m A Celebrity,” she said.
“A shirtless Bondi Vet makes you watch it [giggles],”
“…But aside from that, when you are behind bars, it’s imperative to do what you’re told by corrections officers. Sometimes, they might invite you to watch a television show of an evening. You better not turn them down.”
Notorious tax cheat and deviant, Glenn Frottage has lashed out in response to Warden Dunkman’s comments, saying that they are far from the true.
“The only reason why we, the white collar criminals, have to watch this sort of mouth-breathing, wage-earning type of programming is because it’s akin to being waterboarded for us.” he said.
“And the Warden loves it, too. Each time that Bondi Chris comes on the screen, she moans like a lesbian driving past a hardware store. I’m sorry, but I can’t put up with it any longer.”