14 March, 2016. 13:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
THE AUSTRALIAN WAY OF LIFE is under attack from a myriad of internal problems according to a government report.
For a number of years, complex issues such as slow internet, high-income tax rates and low capacity batteries in electronics have eaten away at the quality of life of ordinary Australians.
Despite coming in second position in the Economist Intelligence Unit’s where-to-be-born index in 2013, these current issues are a more modern problem according to lead researcher Emily Brock.
“The culture shock for most Australians when they head overseas to countries like Denmark, New Zealand, Switzerland and Canada is quite profound these days,” she said.
“While our way of life is constantly under attack from the government, people in nations like those enjoy a much better and happier existence than the average Australian does – and that’s not fair,”
“The root causes of these issues are thought to be the manner in which big business and feminism have cheapened Australian politics.”
The recent spike in first world problems in Australia has been chalked up to our inability to have nice things.
Former prime minister John Howard appeared on US television last night, where he addressed the smorgasbord of problems that are impeding and infringing on the freedoms of everyday people Down Under.
“Australia is that one kid in the class that eats glue and breaks everything you give it,” said Howard.
“We used to have shit hot things like guns, hookers and smoking in pubs, but Australians can and will take the piss with any liberty, and now we don’t have either.”
“Now you have Generation X, Y and Z complaining about slow internet and not being allowed to drink all night. They used to be allowed, but they just couldn’t keep their hands to themselves.”
Speaking on CBS’ Sunday Morning TV news program, Howard detailed each first world problem listed in the government report and contrasted them with problems faced by our closest neighbour.
“Papua New Guinea’s maternal mortality ratio is worse than India’s. Almost half of all women giving birth are doing so without the assistance of a doctor or midwife. 5.5% of babies will die before age 2,” said Howard.
“You’ve got Australians protesting in the streets, saying their live music scene is dying – when the life provided for them is among the best on the planet. Honestly, if I was still PM, I would’ve gone down there and told all those cunts to wake up to themselves,”
“Hawkey would’ve had the cops flog ’em.”