31-year-old unsure if his rampant alcoholism is still legendary, or it’s starting to get sad

"If I want to keep this lifestyle up, I better start wearing condoms," he said.

31-year-old unsure if his rampant alcoholism is still legendary, or it’s starting to get sad

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

There was only one wedding invitation on his fridge in January, now there’s seven.

It’s not because Jack Regent is particularly popular, nor is he being dragged kicking and screaming to them. The 31-year-old has seven wedding invitations on his fridge because he’s 31-years-old.

But that’s not phasing Jack, because he’s still a bit of a mad dog. Every wedding he’s been to, the boys always look to him to organise the bags of Nosé and some valium for the next day.

He’s a loose unit.

However, as all of his friends begin to settle down around him, the term deposit specialist has started wondering if his hedonism is still legendary – or are his mates starting to feel sorry for him?

“Look, mate. If I was 29 still, I’d still be going to these weddings, getting blind and leaving hotel rooms looking like a painter’s radio,” he said.

“But the reality is I’m not getting any younger… and what I do twice a week, half the boys would be lucky to do twice a year now. It’s pretty grim. But I’m not sure if it’s getting grim for me or getting grim for them. Know what I mean?”

“I do get these moments of clarity, like when I’m having nose beers in a nightclub toilet on a Thursday night. Walking out of the cubical and look at myself in the mirror, I’m like, ‘What the fuck are you doing with your life? You haven’t called your parents in over a month? You’re a fucking monster’ but then I just chalked it up to being really high on drugs and shrug it off.”

For now, Mr Regent says he’s content with being a grub, but looks to try being a coupled poon in years to come.

5 Responses to "31-year-old unsure if his rampant alcoholism is still legendary, or it’s starting to get sad"

  1. pissmachine   July 29, 2016 at 2:07 am

    Married: from the old English ‘Marred’. Cognate with the French ‘Murde’. ‘I am in the shit’

    Reply
  2. Îssâ   July 31, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Stop messing up your life. Stop using drugs including alcohol. Find a good girl & marry her. Be proud of yourself & have children be proud of you. Develop your faith in God.

    Reply
  3. Mike   January 2, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    “Develop your faith in God”, stick that right up your nose and fuck off

    Reply
  4. KaL Man   January 2, 2017 at 3:08 pm

    yes mate, I was just like you, just do what ISsa is saying, I did it, so could you. I dont know about having faith in God, but just find yourself. Good luck champ.

    Reply
    • KaL Man   January 2, 2017 at 3:13 pm

      cos before you know it, you will either kill yourself drinking or the drugs will get you.

      Reply

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