7 September, 2016. 15:15
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Regional media across the country can today confirm that ARU selectors have been spotted outside of the affluent metropolitan suburbs of Brisbane and Sydney for the first time since 1996.
Mudgee newsagent, Ken, says he was puzzled when he saw two athletic looking cityfolk dressed in Wallabies merchandise at his son’s football match over the weekend.
“I couldn’t believe it. None of these kids playing went to a private school,” he said.
“I thought what the hell is going on here. No one from bush rugby has played for the Wallabies since Steve Merrick in 1995”
“…and even then, it was only one match until the Kings School put someone forward,”
Ken says he wrote of the bright gold colours to the selectors actually being local coal miners wearing faded high-vis… But he was wrong.
In what has been described as a radical plan to not lose every other international rugby match our country plays in, Wallabies selectors have actually been sent west of the Great Dividing Ranges to look at footballers who’s parent’s don’t earn over $150,000 per year.
ARU President Bill Pulver spoke to The Betoota Advocate earlier today.
“Previously we have put our faith in younger products of the Sydney and Brisbane private school system. And well that ended with a lot of frosted tips and 3am KFC runs.”
“It’s time to have a whirl with the catholics and non-polynesian blacks. What we want is a few less Henrys and a few more Kanes.”
“Initially we were thinking about actually visiting public schools in the Parramatta and Logan areas… But our selectors didn’t feel comfortable doing so without an appropriate escort,”
“We decided on the bush as a safe alternative to non-elitist footballing talent,”
Former country boy Wallaby captain, David Codey, says the decision might provide a boost in team morale.
“When I was playing we had plenty of young bushies running around. It was less about the Swisse vitamin contracts and more about dragging your studs down the spine of South Islanders,”
“We need to do away with the Hollywood and fill these boys full of rum!”
ARU executives have advised the travelling staffers to speak slowly and clearly when talking to country folk and to avoid using unnecessary synonyms wherever possible. They have also been told to settle on just one of their hyphenated last names.