19 August, 2015. 11:16
NRL SPECIAL REPORT | Contact |
At the request of Parramatta coach Brad Arthur, theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking has successfully proven that the Eels can still mathematically make the NRL finals.
“I was staring at the ladder during the week, crying, when all of a sudden I saw something in the numbers” said Arthur.
“So I gave the boys the day off and put a call through to Cambridge”.
Speaking through his robotic voicebox, Professor Hawking recalls the desperate state of the Eels coach; “He was a blubbering mess, I took pity on him.”
Despite being moved by Arthur’s plea, The great scientist was initially reluctant to offer his services. That was however, until he fully understood the situation. “Once Mr. Arthur explained the situation, what I saw unfolding was one of the most complex and unlikely mathematical problems I had ever encountered”.
It seemed the proposition was something the renowned scientist could not resist. “Initially, I thought I was talking to a computer, but thats just his voice apparently” said Arthur.
“Eventually he agreed to help”.
Following the call, Professor Hawking began pouring over the Eels’ statistics and crossreferencing them with the current NRL ladder. “I have successfully negotiated the complex theories of general relativity and quantum gravity, but I could not conclude how they ended up with a negative 118 points differential”.
After a long week, the struggling coach finally received the call he had been waiting for. “I told all the players to leave the pub and report to training ASAP. Once they got here, I told them the good news, we were still a chance”.
Being told that their season is still alive has made a huge difference, says captain Tim Mannah; “Before I would tell fans ‘we still want to win the last few games’, but I was bullshitting. At least now there’s something to play for”.
Speaking in laymans terms, Professor Hawking explains how he was able to prove what is now known as the Theory of General Mediocrity.
“Using complex mathematical models and black holes, I was able to calculate a formula that would see the 11th placed Eels move into 8th place within the designated 26 round season”.
However, Dr. Hawking did reveal that the timing of his studies was critical to the success of the formula.
“Had I needed to account for a variable such as Chris Sandow, this would never have been mathematically feasible”.