“It All Makes Sense” Says Jaded Wallabies Fan After Dan Carter Fails French Drug Test

"Sure the drugs they took didn't send our lineouts crooked, or force James O'Conner to go on 4am KFC runs - but they contributed"

“It All Makes Sense” Says Jaded Wallabies Fan After Dan Carter Fails French Drug Test

7 October 2016. 11:05


A tired but very optimistic Wallabies fan is hoping the news that All Blacks legend Dan Carter has reportedly tested positive for steroids can be used as an excuse for the last twenty years of Wallabies losses.

“I mean, It all makes sense now” says Angus Birmingham-Whitely (66) who was stoked to hear news that Carter and team-mates Joe Rokocoko and Juan Imhoff were tested following the French Dometic Rugby final between Racing 92 and Toulon in June.

“We always said McCaw was the cheat… and… he was… but these blokes prove the playing field wasn’t even. The entire All Blacks side have been using steroids since the John Eales era, in my opinion,”

“Sure the drugs they took didn’t send our lineouts crooked, or force James O’Conner to go on 4am KFC runs – but they contributed”

According to French newspaper L’Equipe, France’s anti-doping agency (AFLD) conducted a urine test on both sets of players. The initial results from Carter, countryman Rokocoko and Argentine Imhoff reportedly showed traces of corticosteroids.

Mr Birmingham-Whiteley joins hundreds of other Australian CEOs and generic private school dads who are now calling for NZ to be stripped of their Rugby World Cup titles.

“November marks one year since the final. That would be the right time to do it”

“They should also lose the 2011 one – I know these blokes didn’t play – but it’s clear the program was broken. Like the Chinese Swimmers and the Essendon Broncos”

Birmingham-Whiteley and his friends aren’t alone in their conspiracy, it has been revealed, with ARU CEO Bill Pulver slugging a levy on Australian country rugby to cover the costs of taking the IRB and NZRU to court.

“It’s damaging to the game for New Zealand to have won so many matches. Let alone to have done it with a player who has arguably been taking steroids in retirement,”

“As dissapointing as it is to learn, have full faith in the next generation of Wallabies. There have been some sensational Kings School highlights on YouTube this year,”