ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A prominent Betoota Grove mother of four was forced to have an after-dinner lie down against her will tonight after she learned her youngest son’s new girlfriend holds her cutlery like she holds a pencil.
Wanda Pieterson-Werbles, of Hyacinth Drive, told her husband she was feeling faint at approximately 7 pm this evening, moments after the family dinner had concluded.
Joey Peterson-Werbles, 19, felt it appropriate to introduce the family his partner-of-a-month, Bacardi Opal, deciding to bring her along for tonight’s two-course dinner of Pizza Shapes with cheddar and smoked oysters and a Chicken Tonight creation.
However, the wheels began to fall off as soon as they sat down for an early meal at 6 pm.
“She turned her nose up at the smoked oysters, that should’ve been the first red flag,” said Wanda as she lay on the couch with a heavily wooded Chardonnay clutched in her hands.
“People like us, I mean, Betoota Grove people, all enjoy smoked oysters and Shapes. The cheddar was even name-brand, that politically incorrect one, too.”
“Then when I served the main and she picked up her eating utensils, I could feel my whole left side begin to tingle. Bacardi is a penciller – and my son kept that from me this whole time. He should be coaching her to eat like a lady, not like some drive-thru McDonald’s Hot Cake eating moll… Heavens above!”
Quick to defend both his mother and his new flame, Joey said that he noticed not just his mother but his whole family recoil in disgust at the sight of Bacardi holding her cutlery.
The confident Pisces told The Advocate that it’s ‘this type of shit’ as to why he chose to move out at such a young age.
“My parents ask me why I slum it down in the French Quarter, with all the junkies and artists, when I could be living up on the hill at home,” said Joey.
Bacardi rolls an unfiltered cigarette to the side, letting out an earth-shattering cough as she does it.
“It’s because they care about shit like how people hold their cutlery and they judge people on it. It’s so fucking stupid, it’s 2017. Mum’ll get over it. I reckon Dad couldn’t give two fucks,”
“Bacs and I are taking it steady, see where it goes. Pencil or no pencil. Forever and ever.”
More to come.