Bloke Who Started Selling Sourdough In Country Town Thinks He’s Jamie Fucking Oliver

"I just want to be fully transparent with the supply chain. It's gotta be organic."

Bloke Who Started Selling Sourdough In Country Town Thinks He’s Jamie Fucking Oliver

ESSIE BURKE | Human Interest | CONTACT

Basic foods with a pretentious twist are being offered at extortionate prices on Betoota’s main street as a fast talking blow-in from South Brisbane opens the town’s first hipster cafe.

Justin Hampel, a 37-year-old wastrel with a trust fund and a bullish belief in his entrepreneurial skills, said he had “curated a menu which pays homage to traditional Betoota fare”.

Experts have branded the move “an expensive wank” – Deconstructed surf and turf and a legume-based alternative to chicken parmigiana are among the options on the menu, sources close to the venture told the Advocate.

In an exclusive sit-down interview, Mr Hampel said the menu is “subject to seasonal variation” and most items are “gluten, nut, egg, dairy and sugar-free” because “most people have an allergy, even if they have no medical evidence to support it”.

“I just want to be fully transparent with the supply chain. It’s gotta be organic.”

Lifetime Betoota resident Rusty Fitzsimons said: “It is an expensive wank.” – But the Betoota Chamber of Commerce said it welcomed any attempt to prise cash from passing trade.

“In today’s globalised world, dickheads with food fetishes are more mobile than ever and you never know when a busload of latte-sippers will roll into town,” a spokeswoman who asked not to be named said.

7 Responses to "Bloke Who Started Selling Sourdough In Country Town Thinks He’s Jamie Fucking Oliver"

  1. Robo   December 15, 2016 at 10:30 am

    I can’t see a beard. ‘curated a menu’?. Was he at the South Brisbane museum last?. When are you jackasses going to hire a proofreader.

    Reply
  2. Ned   December 15, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    Read it again. The article quotes Hampel. But I’m sure everyone interviewed by the media would be happy to have their statements adjusted by proofreaders.

    Reply
  3. David   December 15, 2016 at 9:33 pm

    Oodnadatta 1992. General store managed by Sydneysider stocking Perrier, boutique cheese and what would now be described as “artisan” bread. Wondered why he had no customers.

    Reply
  4. Dave   December 16, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Curated a menu, but if you ask him about accession numbers you just get a blank look.

    Reply
  5. Ringa   December 16, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    For all those grammar & spelling Nazis, get fucked. The Betoota boys are legends.

    Reply
  6. Barry G   January 7, 2017 at 5:34 pm

    Stop ripping on reality. Hipsters WILL revitalise Australia’s rural economy. The ABC said so in this newspiece, because Malcom Turnbull is now (shh, nod nod, wink wink) in the process of drafting a forced hipster rural resettlement program, since Urban Renewal Projects have been so successful.

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-11-09/noorat-the-town-that-doesnt-officially-exist/8008118

    Reply
  7. Denis   January 13, 2017 at 10:50 pm

    “…what would now be described as “artisan” bread. Wondered why he had no customers.”

    Back then there were no autocorrections, the poor berk most likely meant “artesian” bread just to hook onto the local tastebuds.

    I think there are illusions to that in Shakespeare.

    Reply

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