CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Not even a month after Malcolm Turnbull met with Australia’s Muslim community leaders in an effort to promote harmony and fight violent extremism, our new leader has once again made contact with one of societies most ostracised minorities.
While visiting Bondi Beach in his home electorate today, Mr Turnbull and his staffers took the opportunity to visit a popular CrossFit “Body Shop” to discuss a harmonic future between both CrossFit and the greater population.
“It was a complete surprise,” says Mike Barney, a personal trainer/dietician/nutritionist and the gym’s owner and operator.
“I really had no idea that I’d be walking out of ten sets of battle rope exercises, into a meeting with our Prime Minister,”
“He made a point of coming in and telling us that he appreciated our contribution to society. He told us that he understood that arrogant CrossFit fuckwits were not representative of our entire community,”
While Prime Minister Turnbull pushes for a country united in diversity, he has also ensured that, on a personal level, he is suitably equipped to comment on different cultural practices within Australia.
While speaking to press outside of SOBO CrossFit, Turnbull announced that he himself was not only familiar with CrossFit culture but also a former student of the decade old institution.
“Today I have met with these leaders to ensure them that they are appreciated and respected members of our country. We have spoken at great length about this,”
“Now, I am aware the hour is late. But I would like to pay my respects to not only the original owners of this land but also the new communities that it welcomes,”
“To do this, I have decided to take part in an age old CrossFit ritual, here in Bondi today,”
“As a former subscriber to the paleo diet and a man that lives my life by the philosophies of CrossFit, I have brought with me a weight belt and my Parliament House gym gloves,”
The Prime Minister was then met with cheers from the CrossFitters that were present, as he made his way inside the gym and headed straight for the rack.
After a quick briefing from Mr Barney, Turnbull proceeded to complete a set of eight 120kg power cleans.
The crowd continued to show support for Mr Turnbull with aggressive cheering and wolf-whistles.
“Now that is why we do it,” said a chuffed Prime Minister upon completion.
“Them feels… My legs are buzzing. It’s been a while, but this old silverfox has still got it!”
“To anyone who wants to mock or ridicule this community, I would say to them S. T. F. U. A. S… Shut the fuck up and squat,”
“I want to thank Mr Barney and his squad for having me here today. I think it’s time for a stretch,”
Amid the incessant cheering, Mr Turnbull followed these comments with a stirring rendition of the Kanye West song, “Clique”.
In more news, The new Prime Minister has baffled Parliament chefs with talk of intermittent fasting and micro-managed-macros. Analysts predict that today message of support will secure him the support of the highly-influential CrossFit community as he heads into the next election.