Thousands march in Bendigo to protest new Halal-flavoured seasoning

"It's funding terrorism," said one convicted credit card fraud.

Thousands march in Bendigo to protest new Halal-flavoured seasoning

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

TENSIONS IN THE REGIONAL VICTORIAN brothel town of Bendigo reached fever-pitch this afternoon as thousands of protestors clashed with police anti-fascist groups over a new controversial seasoning – which is said to make anything it flavours Halal.

Representatives from the United Patriot Front [UPF] have demanded that US food giant Masterfoods pull the flavouring from shelves around the nation, or suffer the consequences.

In response, a prominent anti-fascist group released a statement that details the rights of all Australians to enjoy the unique flavour Halal cuisine has, or not.

What concerns Nathan Delaney the most about this new product is that it can turn even the most Australian, missionary position dish, into a Halal meal that supports terrorism.

The outspoken 28-year-old first-year apprentice panel beater lashed out at Masterfoods, calling them unAustralian and free marker capitalists.

“You could sprinkle that shit on a sausage sandwich from Bunnings and make it Halal, mate. It’s fucking not on cunt,” he explained. “Halal supports terrorism because did you know that Saudi Arabia is the biggest fucking funder of Islamic terrorism? Fucking think about it, cunt.”

Despite being informed numerous times that the term Halal refers to the cultural method in which a beast is slaughtered, Mr Delaney wouldn’t have a bar of it.

Drawing parallels to the fact that lamb roast and lamb korma taste differently, but come from the same animal, he came to his own conclusion that he was correct.

The Advocate requested comment from Masterfoods Australia, who released a short statement outlining that they have “no plans to release such a product and any misunderstanding is unfortunate.”

More to come. 

One Response to "Thousands march in Bendigo to protest new Halal-flavoured seasoning"

  1. Ron Muppet   September 29, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    Dear Sirs,

    As a Western Australian I am sick of this shit coming from people whose only notable achievement that I can see is that they steal our GST money. I have had a long history of working with Mussulmans, and always found them moderately honest and occasionally helpful.

    I remember droving on the De Grey-Mullewa stock route not long after Queen Victoria had sadly passed on, and we had a Mussulman chap called Mehmet tending the camels for us. An excellent companion, he regularly made halal damper and it tasted just fine to us, although perhaps with just a hint of too much camel about it. I’ve also smoked halal tobacco and drunk halal water out of my bush hat during long weeks on the hoof, and apologise to nobody for doing so.

    These ignorant, half-baked carry-ons rattling-off here about Mussulmans are a disgrace to the nation. Mehmet and his fellow Mussulmans get my vote over these yahoos any day.

    They say Mussulmans don’t respect us white folk. Rubbish. I remember having a chat with Mehmet during one long dry stretch on our way down to the Ashburton, and he was telling me of the time about 40 years earlier when he was working as a young nipper with legendary bushie Wild Man Hooley. Hooley was a bit of a character – tended to sit on a rock just outside camp of an evening and play with his balls and hum, or else walked around camp naked with a couple of branches of smokebush sticking out of his arse saying it helped with rheumatism – that sort of thing. Old Mehmet confided to me that Hooley was the only white man that he knew who completely scared the shit out of him, and then the penny dropped – he and his fellow Mussulmans were just like the rest of us – strong leadership leads to happy followers.

    They say they’re violent. Yes they are – and a damned good thing it is too. One day we found ourselves droving through an area where a couple of the local blacks were standing on a sandhill waving protest placards at us and one particularly odd chap had even chained himself to a tree about 12 feet tall. This sort of stuff was just grist to Mehmet’s mill, and I don’t mind telling you we laughed like drains and cheered him on as he jumped off his camel, hastily tied an old tea-towel around his head, got hold of the toasting fork and skinning knife out of the kitchen supplies box, and chased after these bastards yelling and carrying-on in Mussulman lingo with a look of death in his eyes. You want to see a protest broken up quick smart, hire a Mussulman camel driver. It was worth the price of admission just to see that poor bastard who’d chained himself to the tree fumbling with the lock as old Mehmet was whooping and running at him, and then deciding he’d be completely fucked if he didn’t just push over the tree and run off with it still chained to him and having to drag it along behind him. Laughed for days and days remembering that one.

    They say they don’t have a sense of humour. Absolute rot. I recall Burt McAvoy bailing-up old Mehmet after yet another halal damper dinner when we were sitting around smoking halal baccy and asking him what all this Mussulman praying and carry-on was in aid of. Mehmet said “Be good, and when you die you get plenty virgins boss – 40 maybe” to which old Burt (Burt was the only one of us who could read, and so obviously the best person to do a detailed theological cross-examination) replied “Well, in that case you’d better make sure you don’t end up dying in Coolgardie Mehmet. That’ll really fuck-up your plans if you do” to which all of us (including Mehmet) laughed uproariously, although Burt had once said to Mehmet he was Wild Man Hooley’s half-brother, so I’m not sure that Mehmet perhaps felt obliged to join in with the rest of us as a question of personal safety.

    Yes, in my time I’ve known some of them to have been accused of stealing things and the like, but that was usually only when there wasn’t a Chinaman in the area we could pin it on instead. For the rest they always made jolly fine companions, and always smelt better at the end of the drive than any Irishman or Italian I worked with. That may not seem like much, but it’ll do me any day.

    Good times.

    So, to those eastern-states bludgers pushing this anti-Mussulman routine that seems to be all the rage at present, I say knock it off. More Mehmets and fewer of them would be my pick – especially if camels look like they could be making a comeback.


    Ron Muppet


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