21 July, 2015. 10:52
IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact
THE increasingly tall-poppy-cutting Australian public had been baying for Shane Watson’s blood for months, maybe even years.
The selectors have finally answered the call, dumping the batting all-rounder for the second Ashes Test, but not everyone is celebrating.
“After a brief hiatus from it all, we came to realise Shane was nowhere to be seen, we didn’t even know if he was in London,” said Cricket Australia CEO, James Sutherland.
“Despite dropping him, we still expected him to stick around for the rest of the tour. But we couldn’t find him anywhere. We searched far and wide… His wife couldn’t tell us anything either”
Mr Sutherland says that his media team were moments away from informing English authorities about Shane Watson’s disappearance, when he received communication from a well-known Australian journalist, who informed Cricket Australia of the former-all rounders whereabouts.
The man on the other end of the phone, was a close friend of Watson’s and told Sutherland not to worry. That man was Wikileaks founder and die-hard Ipswich cricket prodigy, Julian Assange.
“Watto is with me, he is fine,” Mr Assange is believed to have told James Sutherland. The Wikileaks founder and international fugitive of espionage, Mr Assange then fronted English media outside of his new home in the London-based Ecuadorian Embassy.
“We are appealing to the European Union High Court about Watto being dropped from the Australian cricket side. He has my support, 100%” said a cool and collected Assange.
In a bizarre twist to a very interesting career for Shane Watson, it has now been revealed that he and Julian Assange grew up together in South-East Queensland – as both men’s families were associated with the spiritual movement, The Family. Also called the Santiniketan Park Association and the Great White Brotherhood, The family is a controversial Australian New Age group formed in the mid-1960s under the leadership of the Yoga teacher Anne Hamilton-Byrne.
Both men were recruited as children due to their startling Aryan features. Mr Assange has since condemned the organisation, however Shane Watson regularly attends spiritual ceremonies. The two men remain close.
“I have leaked documents surrounding this decision, I do not wish for this to be made public. Cricket Australia are very aware of how serious this is” said Mr Assange, as he and Shane Watson faced the English media on the Juliette balcony of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London.
“Shane Watson deserves to be in this side as much as any man. Since December 1979, There have been only seventeen Batsmen to play over 50 test matches for Australia – Shane Watson has managed to do this and retain an average of 4 centuries at 35.87”
However, despite the powerful bluff, what Assange did fail to mention is that Shane Watson’s average is the worst of all time. The next worst average out of the aforementioned list of seventeen, is Mark Waugh who had 20 centuries at 41.81.
“This is just dressing room politics,” said a stern-worded Assange.
“This is definitely not the biggest international concern of mine, but I think this needs to be rectified to uphold a standard of those who wear the baggy green. I am a proud Australian”
“Shane and I were picked on as kids because of our pretty-boy looks, and now we are both being persecuted for the same thing as adults. If Shane Watson had a head on him like Mitchell Johnson, he would still be in the side”
“We are awaiting an appeal, he should be back on the pitch by the end of this week”
Sutherland responded to Assange’s claims of selector corruption by comparing the two men.
“They seem like a good match. Assange is a very unpopular man because of Wikileaks, Shane Watson is a very unpopular man because of all of his wicket-leaks [laughter]”