NRL Clubs Rush To Sign Misogynistic Cocaine Prodigy

NRL Clubs Rush To Sign Misogynistic Cocaine Prodigy

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact

[dropcap]As[/dropcap] the National Rugby League enters the second week of finals footy for 2015, many clubs are looking back at an unpredictable year that was.

Last night, for the first time in the history of Australian rugby league, the previous year’s premiers were knocked out of the finals dash by last season’s wooden spoons (Cronulla 28,  South Sydney 12).

With that kind of inconsistency across the board, it is not hard to imagine why both the current contenders and this year’s bottom six are heavily-focused on what is to come in 2016.

And it all starts with this bloke.

For anyone who has ever dreamt of being a sports star, Benny Benchwood has simple and clear advice on how to make into the big league. #SOS #TheShire #Cronulla #NRL

Posted by Streets of Sydney on Thursday, 6 August 2015

 

Benny Benchwood, a 22-year-old product of the Sutherland Shire. Professional clubs are rushing to sign this “rough diamond” of the VB NSW CUP.

With a show-stopping ability to play almost anywhere in the back-row, Benny was discovered at sixteen by his family club, The Cronulla Sharks. He has recently made headlines as the subject of an upcoming television series, Streets Of Sydney.

It has been common knowledge in the Sutherland Shire’s rugby league community that Benchwood has been strategically kept in the lower grades until he “matures a little bit”.

However, with a two-year-old daughter in Coffs Harbour (the result of a footy trip romance) and another one on the way with his current girlfriend in Caringbah, Benny Benchwood has informed management that he is officially “anyone’s”.

Benny Benchwood as seen in a viral youtube video that depicts the young NRL prodigy drinking his team-mates urine at the Northies Leagues Club in Cronulla
Benny Benchwood as seen in a viral youtube video that depicts the young NRL prodigy drinking his team-mates urine at the Northies Leagues Club in Cronulla

I always tried to be loyal to the Sharkies, brah. But you know… They’ve been making me wait too long,” says a disgruntled Benchwood, who is colloquially referred to as “The Cronulla Riot”.

“I’m a superstar and they know this. I have worked hard at this and the time has come for me to look outside of my hometown. Send me out west, brah. I’m anyone’s”

Penrith Panthers President and NRL Commentator Phil Gould to Triple M Brisbane about the Benny “The Fire from the Shire” Benchwood.

“Benchwood is an undeniable talent and I think it’s fair enough that he looks outside his hometown,” said Gould.

“But I’ll tell you one thing… There’s is no fucking chance Penrith will go near him. That kid is like a Raiders-Carney and Julian O’Neill rolled into one,”

Phil Gould after speaking to TripleM Brisbane about Penrith decision to not sign Benchwood
Phil Gould after speaking to TripleM Brisbane about Penrith decision to not sign Benchwood

“From what I hear, It’s well-known that he gets a bit heavy-handed with his girlfriends… and I’m pretty certain he knows his way around a bag of coke. I mean, he is only young… but it’s not a good look,”

“Maybe Canberra is the place for this kid, it’s seems to be a good launching pad for the misogynistic party boys of the game,”

Close friend and distant relative of Benny, local Cronulla identity, Sharryd Clayne has also spoken up about the future of the unsigned NRL superstar.

“Benny is untouchable, mate. If people don’t like how hard he parties, well they can get fucked. Benny is so talented that it doesn’t matter… Someone will sign him,”

Benny's mate Sharryd, as depicted in the upcoming Streets Of Sydney television series
Benny’s mate Sharryd, as depicted in the upcoming Streets Of Sydney television series

“It’s a perfect example of those uppity snobs in the NRL not knowing what’s best. All that matters is this bloke can play footy. So what if he likes a couple lines every now and then, and so what if he’s got a few AVO’s out against him,”

“He is above the law in Cronulla and he should certainly be above the law in the NRL. It’s the National Rugby League not the Nation Role Model League,”

Mr Benchwood joins the list of next year’s much-hyped professional rugby league prospects, however many club executives have stated that his off-field behaviour will need to change if he wants to see consistent game time in the NRL.

If you want to see more of the Streets Of Sydney interviews, you can check out the web-series’ Facebook page, website or subscribe to their Youtube channel.

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